How a family dream came true after adoption myths dispelled

Beverley and Martin had always dreamed of having a family. They met at school, married and after both had achieved successful careers decided to start for a family in their late 30s.

But after numerous miscarriages, failed IVF and then the stillbirth of their longed for son Alfie, they feared it may never happen.

“We always presumed we would just be able to start a family when we wanted one as there was no history of fertility problems in our families,” says Bev, who is senior finance manager at a bank.

However, when the Huddersfield couple realised that having their own child was looking more unlikely and they started to talk about adoption.

But at 45 and 46 years old they believed they would be too old to be considered and had started to consider a childless future.

They also felt discouraged by what they perceived would be a long and complicated adoption process and had concerns about how well they’d bond with a child that wasn’t theirs by birth.

“We’d looked on the internet and probably read some outdated and wrong information which made us think that adoption wasn’t for us.”

But they just didn’t feel complete without a child.

“We were very happy,” says Bev. “We had a lovely life, good jobs and a great marriage. But we just didn’t feel complete.”

They decided to look further into the adoption process, attending an information event at their local Kirklees Council.

It was to mark the start of a journey that would result in them becoming mum and dad to their now two-year old son, who they couldn’t imagine their lives without.

We’d already been through the trauma of many miscarriages and unsuccessful IVF treatments,” says Bev. “But by far our lowest point, was the heartache over the loss of our son, Alfie. Despite having gone through a healthy, full-term pregnancy he stopped breathing the day before his due date, which sadly resulted in him being stillborn.

“We’d discussed the possibility of adoption in the past but almost instantly wrote the idea off mainly because we thought we were too old to be considered. Also the past few years had been both physically and emotionally draining enough, without the prospect of what we thought could be a long, drawn-out adoption process. Even then there were no guarantees we’d end up with a child and if we did, I wondered how well we’d bond with them given they wouldn’t be ours by birth.”

After attending the information event, the couple were surprised to discovered there is no upper age limit for adoption. “We came away feeling quite enthusiastic and ready to take the next step.”

They signed up for a three day course to learn in more detail about the adoption process.

“I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and from that point on we never really looked back,” continues Bev.

“What the adoption process did was help us to look at our past experiences in a different light. Rather than seeing them as a separate series of events, we were able to put everything together, draw a line under it all and move on. Although we’d never forget the loss of our son and nobody could ever replace him, we began to see adoption as something good that could come from something bad.”

Martin adds: “Like us, I think that many people expect the adoption process will be long and intrusive. But in just four months from attending the workshop, we’d been approved at an adoption panel and actually matched with a child. Although it wasn’t always plain sailing, Beverley and I knew that the adoption process was essential in ensuring it was the right thing for us and in helping the adoption team find the best possible match for both us and the child.

“Also, we were never made to feel under any pressure to continue with the process if at any point we decided not to continue with it.

“Perhaps one of the hardest parts for us was turning down some potential child profiles. Realising that you can say “no” and that it doesn’t mean you’ll scupper your chances of being offered a match in the future, is also an important part of it all.

“We had to be honest and realistic about what we could take on and whilst I would encourage anyone going through it to be open to all possibilities, equally I believe that being true to yourself and what’s manageable for you, is also vital to a successful adoption.”

After Bev and Martin were ‘matched’ with their a child they began a series of visits to their soon-to-be son.

“To our surprise the first thing he did when we met him was to point to a picture of Martin in his photo book and say, “Daddy”. During those 12 days of getting to know him we could almost pinpoint the moment – it was around six days in – when he switched his attention from his foster carers to us and started to see us as his parents. From then on, he came to us whenever he was upset or needed milk or a nappy change.

“It was really quite emotional all round. This specific and very definite transition was something that the foster carers were specially trained to facilitate and very much part of the preparations by them and the adoption team.

“I always thought that whoever we adopted, we’d have to learn to love that child. But nothing could be further from the truth. Even before we went to panel and were approved, I’d seen a written profile about our son and had him in my mind – in truth I’d already attached to him 100 per cent – and cementing that bond has been extremely easy for both of us. There’s no question he is part of our family; people have even commented on how much he looks like us, quite possibly because he’s picked up on our traits and characteristics, but also because I believe he was the best possible match for us.

“It was the trauma of what we experienced that led us to adoption but we couldn’t be more thrilled with the outcome. Losing Alfie wasn’t just something that impacted on mine and Martin’s lives but also the lives of our extended families. As well as our own grief, we came to realise that our parents had also lost a grandchild, our niece and nephew had lost a cousin and so on. Bringing a child into the family has had a really positive impact on our family as a whole and I will cherish every minute I have at home with my son until I go back to work later this year.”

Bev and Martin were among 65 adopters approved by Kirklees Council in the past 12 months.

And now the council has launched a campaign aimed at dispelling some of the myths surrounding adoption.

Coun Cath Harris, Kirklees Council’s Cabinet Member for Children’s Services said: “Last year not only did we smash our targets in terms of the number of children that were adopted, we also received our highest levels of enquiries.

“We found that many of these people had mistakenly believed that things such as their age, background or living arrangements might be a barrier to them adopting, so we are now keen to address those concerns.

“There’s no such thing as a typical adopter. People who successfully adopt with us reflect a broad spectrum of society and we assess people on their individual merits.

“What’s really important is being able to provide a child with a loving, supportive family for life and we urgently need people from all communities and backgrounds to consider adopting one of the 49 children currently in our care.

To find out whether adoption is right for you or to find out more visit www.kirklees.gov.uk/adoption . Alternatively you can speak to one of the council’s adoption team on 0800 028 3001.