Interview: Helping other families with their loss helps widow rebuild her life

FEW can fail to have been moved by the bravery of Karen Upton as she gripped the hands of her grieving children at the funeral of their hero father Sean.

Her courage as she was awarded the first ever Elizabeth Cross symbolised the strength of all those families who have lost loved ones in Afghanistan.

Those powerful images of a widow and her children, Ewan, now 12 and Hollie, eight, were 18 months ago and yet Karen Upton’s bravery and compassion are just as strong today. The beautiful yet understated Elizabeth Cross symbolising the sacrifice not only her husband but she and her children have made is pinned to her coat.“Soldiers wear their medals, I don’t see why I shouldn’t wear mine,” says the 34-year-old proudly. But it is the receipt of another honour that sees Karen once again in the headlines.

She has just been awarded Tesco magazine’s People’s Choice Mum of the Year for her work with other bereaved families – especially children – and also her endless charity work. Ironically Karen had done bereavement training while working for the NSPCC in York before Sean’s death.

“After Sean was killed I felt Ewan really needed some help. Sean’s death came quite quickly after my dad’s and Ewan started to think that every man in his life was going to die.

“He also seemed to take on responsibility for me and Hollie. He didn’t want to upset me because he knew I had a lot going on. He was so used to being told he was the man of the house when Sean was away that when he died he seemed to take on that role full time.

“I felt he needed someone to talk to about his grief.”

Karen contacted the Forces Children’s Trust who offer counselling and days out for the bereaved children of servicemen and women.

“They were really helpful, but there was nothing up North, we had to travel down south for a weekend, but it was worth it, it really helped and the children and me.” Karen felt that it was something she could help with.

“Living in the garrison (Catterick) , I knew there was very little support for children who had lost parents and I decided that, if I could help my own and other children, this was something I should do.”

She became increasingly involved with the trust and is now its voluntary co-ordinator for the North-East region. She is also very involved with the Army Benevolent Fund and is constantly organising or taking part in fund-raising events. The day after I met her in her neat garrison home, she was taking part in a sponsored Zumba, while a host of other events, including the Upton Challenge in memory of Sean next week, take up most of her time. Ewan too has organised a number of fund-raising events.

She admits that immersing herself in fund-raising and helping others is therapeutic.

“I still talk to Sean, and my dad, even though they aren’t here. It helps somehow.”

Karen and Sean grew up on the same street in Nottingham.

“We had an on/off relationship while we were growing up. And then Sean joined the Army like his dad. We wrote to each other after he was posted to Germany and then we finished. Even then he said: ‘You never know we might get married one day’.

“Then he was away all the time. When he was in Bosnia in 1994 he wrote to me and when he came back in September we met up and then we got together that Christmas.”

Five years later Karen gave birth to Ewan and the couple married when they moved to Yorkshire the following year

“Even then I didn’t really think about being an army wife. I was with Sean and that was all that mattered.” Karen says they never talked about the possibility of Sean being killed in action. “He knew I didn’t like talking about things like that. Although not long before he died he did say he had sorted out his life assurance, but left it at that.” A few weeks later, Sean was killed while on foot patrol in Helmand Province.

The bond between the two childhood sweethearts was so close that Karen knew something was wrong even before she was told the news. “I was out and had a strange feeling that something wasn’t right and that it was something to do with Sean.”

When she returned to Catterick Garrison later that day Karen wasn’t surprised when she saw a silver Vauxhall Astra parked close by. “I knew it was an army welfare car and I knew it was for me. I thought they were going to tell me Sean had been injured but they didn’t. Instead they said he had been killed in action.”

The 18 months since Sean was killed have been traumatic for Karen as she tries to rebuild a life for herself and her children.

A move out of barracks back to Nottinghamshire turned out of to be the wrong move for all of them and now they are back in barracks until the home she and Sean bought in nearby Scotton is ready.

“I felt we needed a fresh start and needed to be close to family but it just made things worse. Now the children are more settled and I really think we can start to move forward.”

Photographs adorn the house, most either of Sean or taken by him.“He was a really keen photographer,” says Karen. “He took some amazing photographs while he was in Afghanistan.”

His love of photography inspired Karen to take a photography course and she recently applied for a job as a professional photographer.

A diary she found after Sean’s death about conditions in Afghanistan and lack of ammunition have posed more questions than answers about his death, and while Karen says she could easily be consumed by anger, it would not bring Sean back.

“I have decided that it is more important to concentrate on the charity stuff and to try to make a difference for other families.”