Interview: Parenthood, prejudice... and a child's life with two mums

After seven years together, when Marcel was 27 and Meryl was 30, the pair discussed their options, and decided to adopt.That was 13 years ago. Marcel, a project worker for Barnardo's at the time, rang her local Barnardo's service to enquire about the process involved in adopting.

The couple from Yorkshire were to become the first lesbian couple to adopt a child through Barnardo's. Matthew and Jamie, who had both had very difficult starts in life, were five and six years old when they joined Marcel and Meryl. The boys are now 17 and 18.

The women admit that the last 13 years have not always been easy, but believe that is the same for any couple adopting a child in care who may have had a difficult background, regardless of their sexual orientation. But despite the support from Barnado's,they have suffered discrimination from other professionals over the years. During the charity's Fostering and Adoption Week, a poll revealed that more than one third of people across Yorkshire do not think gay couples can parent as well as heterosexual couples.

"I think the boys would have something very strong to say about that," says Marcel."I feel the result is based in ignorance because nobody knows if they are going to be good parents and no child comes with a manual so everybody does the best they can – I don't think a same sex couple is going to find that any different to a heterosexual couple."

Only 3.75 per cent of children adopted in England in 2010 were adopted by same-sex couples, yet Barnado's says children are still desperately waiting to be adopted, with a quarter of those with adoption plans never finding a family. They are now urging more same-sex couple to come forward.

Despite their ups and down Marcel and Maryl say they never regretted their decision to adopt the boys.

After their initial approach, a Barnardo's social worker arranged a home visit to talk things through and then supported them throughout the process. The couple received parenting training from the charity and, following an extensive assessment, went on to adopt.They received extensive support for the first year until the boys were fully adopted and after this staff visited to see how things were going, and were on the end of a phone if they needed support. Whenever the couple needed guidance during the boys' upbringing, they contacted Barnardo's and were referred to local agencies who could provide them with further support.

The staff were completely up front about never having approved a lesbian couple before, however they provided a worker who they felt would be most sympathetic to their situation.

"She was great," says Marcel. "She spent a long time with us getting us to think about why we wanted to adopt and what experiences we'd bring to the role.Attending the adoption panel was terrifying – a room full of strangers who were going to judge us!However, we had been prepared for this.

"When we were approved and started looking for our boys we faced some discrimination from various local authorities and our worker was always honest about this – she didn't shy away from telling us difficult things, which we appreciated.

"When Matthew and Jamie were identified as a good match for us, Barnardo's were fully behind our decision, and helped to move the process along."

When they first got the call about being approved to adopt Matthew and Jamie, Marcel cried tears of joy.

However, things got off to a bit of a bumpy start.

"They both ran away from us when we were visiting a stately home.We managed to get hold of Matthew but Jamie squeezed through a fence into a field of sheep and refused to come out – we really wanted him to like us and want to live with us. Basically they were scared of these new people. However we stuck with the introductions and they were happy to move in three weeks later."

The couple have overcome obstacles with the boys' behaviour; they had already lived in five different places, some of which had been abusive.They had to spend a lot of time with their school trying to put in place the right support.

"Barnardo's was the only adoption agency around at the time who would allow lesbian couples to become adoptive parents," says Marcel.

"We were a bit nervous about being their first lesbian adopters, but because everyone was so open with us it wasn't a big thing in the end. They definitely worked hard to ensure that we were treated fairly and the issue of sexuality was not seen as the defining information about us."

Adopting has had its highs and lows just like with any family. From the first six months of getting no sleep, to Jamie's tears at his first ever birthday cake. On their first Christmas with the family, the boys weren't remotely excited on Christmas Eve.

"They hadn't had lots of presents before, but their faces the following morning when they saw that Santa had been and left them each a sack full of presents was a joy and made up for the difficult times," recalls Marcel

"The difficult times were outweighed by beautiful moments, such as watching Jamie dancing on stage, seeing Matthew learn to ride his bike, walking the dog in the woods and telling the boys about the wood fairies – then spending hours hunting for them."

School was a challenge for both of them, however they got through it with support. Now Jamie is going to study drama at college and Matthew is about to start to train as a tree surgeon.

When asked if the children faced any additional issues at school because of having two mums, Marcel says: "One didn't tell his friends and if they came to the house he just carried on as he would usually. The other told people and didn't care a jot what anyone said in response.They both just know that they have two mums and don't see anything wrong with that.

"The only real issues came from professionals such as teachers and doctors getting confused about our family make-up."

"Adopting has given us a real family with its own history," says Meryl. "I would say to anyone who is prepared to parent children who have had a difficult start to life then the rewards are enormous." As for the boys, they say they really have nothing to compare it to.

"If people have lived with a mum and dad they will think that is better – if you have lived with two mums you will have the opinion that that is best – its really just people's opinions from what they experienced. It doesn't matter as long as they are happy where they live and who they live with," says Jamie.

"I reckon a child would be better with a family than with nobody," says Matthew. "I'm doing well. I'm doing fine with two mums so I don't really think about what it would be like to have a dad.I've got loads of family– aunts, uncles, grandparents.

"People who think that gay couples can't really adopt are stupid because some men and women can't look after their kids, and if they can't, who can?

"If I had stayed with my birth family life would be very different now. I probably wouldn't be doing the course I am doing now or made it to sixth form."

With more than 64,000 children in care, Barnado's is calling on more gay couples to adopt. But a recent survey showed that many people are still unsure. Catherine Scott reports.

Same-sex adoption – the facts

According to Barnado's there are more than 64,000 children in care.

Adoption laws changed in the UK in 2005 allowing same-sex cople to jointly adtopt children.

In 2007 the Government made it illegal for publically funded adoption agencies to discriminate against same sex couple yet last year just 3.75 per cent of children adopted in 2010 were to same sex couples

A survey for Barnado's showed that 32 per cent of people do not think gay couples can parent as well as heterosexual ones.

For more information visit www.barnados.org.uk

For hope and advice visit www.stonewall.org.uk or www.newfamilysocial.co.uk