Jayne Dowle: Juggling act of family life needs helping hand

I’M not surprised that women provide more care for their families than men. I’m not surprised they face discrimination at work because they have to take time off to meet their obligations. I’m not surprised either that thousands of women are members of the “sandwich generation”, hit by the triple whammy of work, childcare and care for elderly parents.

What I am surprised at is that it is apparently women aged in their 50s who are bearing the brunt of all these responsibilities. If you ask me, it kicks in a full decade earlier. I can’t think of a single friend in her 40s who doesn’t feel torn in at least three directions. She will typically be holding down a job, keeping an eye on mum and dad and looking after her own children, or her grandchildren, sometimes even both.

According to this new research by the IPPR think-tank, half of new mothers now rely on grandparents for childcare when they go back to work. And often, these grandparents end up having to give up their own job so they can provide this childcare. Of course, it’s lovely when you are able to help. Not everyone has a life like Carole Middleton though, who can afford to step back from her successful party supplies business to help out with Prince George.

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What’s the big deal, you might ask. Women have done this for generations. And don’t we go on about how good we are at multi-tasking? This is not a whinge about our lot though. Undertaking all these responsibilities with all the demands of the modern world takes some doing.

Did grandmothers always drive 300-mile round trips to look after their grandchildren three or four days a week? I don’t think so. They do now because formal childcare is simply too expensive, in many cases, for young families to afford. If you see your daughter and son-in-law struggling to get by even on two salaries, what can you do but step in and offer your services?

This combination of responsibility and constant switching of gear can cause serious stress. Sleepless nights, addictions, depression and poor mental functioning are just some of the problems. Obviously such constant pressure not only takes its toll on the individual, but also costs the NHS. When these women can go on no longer and require medical help, who pays?

It also puts pressure on those very relationships they are trying so hard to hold together. How many family rows erupt because grandma has one view on potty-training and daughter-in-law another? How many siblings fall out because one lives miles away blissfully free of responsibilities while the one closest to home runs around after a widowed mother?

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Obviously no government policy in the world can legislate for the intricate balancing acts of such family relationships. No magic wand can be waved over a lonely father-in-law who rings at 4am because he can’t sleep and a boss who demands you start your shift three hours later.

However, it is time for some recognition of what all these women do to hold it all together. This should be backed up with social policies which help to define and support their roles. The IPPR is arguing for up to six months of parental leave to be transferable to a grandparent providing childcare. This would keep open their job and allow a certain amount of flexibility. There are also some good suggestions about employers allowing carers to reduce their hours without losing their position and pension rights. These are only small steps in the right direction, but at least they are getting the debate going.

The problem is any advances would be at the mercy of whichever party is in government. What I would really like is for such measures to be removed entirely from the arena of party politics. How liberating it would be if we could move forward without the nasty business of vote-winning getting in the way. The rise of consensus politics is much talked about.

This is a prime example of where it would make very good sense for all sides to agree. After all, family responsibilities hit you whether you vote Labour, Conservative, Lib Dem or for any other party. Politicians should respond to this, and help to deliver sensible strategies to underpin family life without using us as cannon fodder. When they talk about “supporting the family” they have to mean what they say. It’s bigger than squabbling over the married couple’s tax allowance, for a start. It’s about the way we live, and the kind of society we are building for the future.

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Meanwhile, we have to get on with it. When I was 21, I worked for a publication which boasted the proud slogan “The magazine for women who juggle their lives”. It sounded like we were inspiring a generation of super-women who could do it all and have it all. How deluded we were. These days it sounds like a warning to be careful what you wish for. You might find yourself landed with it sooner than you think.