Modern Dilemmas

I have two sons aged between 13 and 16 who are ruling my life with demands for lifts and enough food for them and their friends all at a drop of a hat, and that’s only when they decide to leave their room where they’ve been for hours. I wouldn’t mind, but we used to be close. What happened, and how can I restore pre-adult harmony?

We tend to think that by the time we get our children to “big” school that we can sit back a bit and not worry so much about their health and safety as we did when they were little. Gosh how wrong we are! When they enter that phase in their lives when they want the freedom of an adult, yet are still too young legally for anything adult-related you get the agonizing “in between”. They want to be independent but can’t drive, they want to live away from you, but have no means, so they mope around feeling the pain of being too big to be a boy and yet too young to be a man. It’s the cold cruelty of only needing you as a mode of transport or a chef and laundry maid that hurts the most, because, they have always needed you for this, but at least before you could have some meaningful conversation with them even if it was about Doctor Who.

Now you have to think about what you are going to say or do before you say or do it as they will feel acute embarrassment at the slightest faux pas and punish you for at least a week in Sulkville. There is no guessing what they want you to say or do because they are just as likely to pounce on you for a big out-of-the-blue bear hug when you least expect it. So my conclusion is this: they love you even if they don’t show it, they need you emotionally as well as financially, even though they only show the later. But rest assured, they will come back to you once they have figured out who they are and how to be that person.

The influences they have all around them all the time are global. Their access to information is limitless and so the part you now play in their lives has shifted and it’s in the adaptation to that shift that can keep you sane and keep a good relationship going.

You can no longer ruffle their hair playfully, plant a kiss on their cheek when you feel the urge or enter their room without knocking first. But you can stay calm and centred for them, feed their mates and tidy up after them. You may have lost the ability to talk properly to each other, but you haven’t lost the ability to communicate, and as they say actions speak louder than words, it’s what you decide to do for them (or not) that will speak volumes to them.

Alexandra Watson is a leading Happiness Expert and best-selling author.www.T2Shine.com