Bill Carmichael: The benefits of an easy life

Take the other evening for example, when I was watching television footage of a football fan apparently punching a Yorkshire police horse on the nose during violent disturbances in Newcastle city centre. For some reason – perhaps the nylon football shirt stretched across his vast beer belly, or the football scarf fashioned into a makeshift mask – I was suddenly seized by an unshakeable conviction.

“I’ll bet you a pound to a pinch of snuff”, I said to my loved one, “that before long we’ll find out this guy is on benefits.”

And lo this prophecy came to pass. A couple of days later I picked up a newspaper to read that 45-year-old Barry Rogerson had admitted hitting the horse “in self defence” and was now scared that animal rights activists were coming to get him. And sure enough he hasn’t worked for eight years because of a lung condition that apparently makes any physical effort – including climbing the stairs at home – impossible.

Call me an old sceptic if you like, but I couldn’t help thinking that if he’s capable of attending a football match, drinking his own weight in beer and offering to go ten rounds with a ton of horseflesh, then perhaps it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask him to get off his fat backside and do a day’s work every once in a while.

Such talk is anathema to the Labour Party, which has opposed every single measure aimed at curbing Britain’s out of control benefits bill. Ed Miliband and his team believe that benefits claimants should be allowed to go on picking the pockets of their hardworking neighbours for as long as they like, with no questions asked.

Of course, there are people who through infirmity of illness are not able to work, and as a civilised society we should care for them. But it is impossible to do that properly when so many chancers are taking advantage of an incredibly lax system.

We have 3.2 million people on disability benefits – or “invadiddly” benefits as they are known – at a cost of £13bn a year. We spend twice as much on such benefits as the US and six times as much as Japan.

Are we really that sick as a nation? Of course not. According to the Government, almost 900,000 withdrew their disability claims rather than face as assessment on whether they were fit to work.

Laughably, Labour claim even modest measures to rein in benefits are part of a wicked Tory plot to impose “savage cuts” on the poorest.

This is nonsense on stilts. As opinion poll after opinion poll has proved, the most enthusiastic supporters of benefits reform are the working classes, including Labour supporters. This is because their knowledge of the benefits system – and the way it is widely abused – is gleaned from first-hand experience in their communities, and not from the pages of the Guardian.

As for me, I’m returning to my crystal ball to see if I can predict tomorrow’s lottery numbers.

With a bit of luck I could end up like Britain’s millions of lead-swingers and benefits bandits – and never have to work another day in my life.

Damp spirits

AFTER a winter that seemed to go on forever, spring has finally sprung and with it has come wet and windy weather.

A few weeks ago, I was cursing the bone-chilling cold and wondering if we’d ever see the last of the snow and ice.

Now, after being soaked to the skin at least twice a day this week and almost blown off my feet on a couple of occasions, I’m beginning to miss those cold, still, dry days of winter. But before the dark days are on us once again is it too much to hope for a little bit of sunshine?