Bill Carmichael: I’m fat... and it’s all my fault

No one is to blame for this but me. Not the Government, not the NHS, not the fast food industry, not the media and not my parents. It’s entirely my fault.

I know how I got this way. Up until fairly recently, I used to jog – or in my case slowly plod – five or six miles, five days a week.

I felt marvellous and ate like a Derby winner. Although not exactly svelte, I was in reasonable shape.

Then, three years ago, I slipped on wet grass (stone cold sober, I assure you) fell awkwardly and snapped my right fibula. After six weeks in pot, I tried to get back into the old routine, but running was painful and dispiriting and I gave up.

My big mistake was not adjusting my eating accordingly – and the weight piled on.

Our bodies are perfectly adapted for the life of a hunter gatherer or primitive farmer. In times of plenty, when our calorific intake in terms of food exceeds our calorific expenditure in terms of exercise, our bodies store the surplus in the form of useful fat deposits. When lean times came, as they invariably did for our ancestors, that stored fat could be the key to survival.

Thankfully, in the modern world we don’t suffer too many lean times and food is plentiful for most of us. But it means that if we keep eating more than we need, we will get fatter and fatter.

Luckily, I know a 100 per cent guaranteed method of weight loss. I know it will work because I’ve tried it before. There’s no need for pills or potions, special foods or a magic formula. The technique can be used by anyone and can be summed up in just four words – eat less, exercise more.

I was thinking of this when I read the Yorkshire Post story this week about the Rotherham Institute of Obesity that spent £775,500 treating 1,600 overweight adults and 200 children in the past 18 months.

The average weight loss was seven pounds per patient at a cost to the taxpayer of almost £60 for each pound in weight lost.

I reckon using my method anyone could comfortably lose seven pounds in about three weeks – and the cost to the taxpayer and the individual is zero.

Of course, some people may need extra guidance and encouragement to lose weight, but surely this can come from family GPs, or even the local branch of WeightWatchers, at a fraction of the cost.

Kevin Barron, MP for Rother Valley, was bang on the truth when he said: “You can’t make somebody do something against their wishes.”

Precisely. For any weight-loss programme to be successful, you have to accept responsibility for your own actions and take control of your life and your body.

And sadly no amount of taxpayers’ money will persuade someone to do that unless they really want to.

Black mark

David Cameron sparked another race row this week when he said: “Only one black person went to Oxford last year. I think that’s disgraceful.”

Given the Prime Minister’s habit of bending statistics, it came as no surprise to discover he was wrong – the true figure was 27, or just over one per cent of the intake.

This may be disgraceful, but it is broadly in line with the performance of black students at A level. In 2009, 29,000 white students obtained the three A grades necessary to get into Oxford, compared to 452 – or about 1.5 per cent – of black students.

The real problem is not racist university admissions, but poor performance by black children at school.

Must do better, Prime Minister.