Bill Carmichael: Pancake Day race takes a battering

Such races have taken place in towns and villages across Britain for at least 500 years. In modern times local organisations have entered teams for a bit of fun and raise a few pounds for charity.

But in Hertfordshire this week, just before the off, a man from the

local council, equipped, of course, with the obligatory clipboard, stepped forward to spoil the festivities.

Because of the inclement weather, he explained, a new set of rules was being imposed. Competitors were not allowed to run. Instead, they must walk and one foot must be in contact with the ground at all times, he said. It wasn't even raining, although apparently the ground was slightly damp.

As the 300-strong crowd booed their disapproval, the man from the council explained that someone might fall over, before he invoked the mantra of Clipboard Men everywhere: "It's health and safety

regulations." It's not clear whether he added: "It's more than my job's worth" – but I wouldn't be surprised.

Where do they find these people? And how did they come to infest every aspect of British life?

The earliest recorded Pancake Day race happened in Olney in

Buckinghamshire in 1445 and the tradition has since spread throughout the Christian and English-speaking world. In the intervening years, there must have been thousands of pancake races involving millions of competitors running flat out through snow, hail, wind and rain. And in all that time there hasn't been a single recorded pancake-related fatality or serious injury.

No one wants events that are recklessly dangerous, but we have lost all sense of proportion and the ability to properly assess risk.

I shiver to think what will happen if the massed ranks of Clipboard Men get their hands on the London Olympics in 2012.

The hammer throwing and discus will be banned for a start, and the javelin competitors all arrested for possessing an offensive weapon.

The high jumpers will be told they have to keep two feet on the ground at all times and the pool will have to be drained of water before the swimming races begin "in case somebody drowns".

And as Usain Bolt settles into the starting blocks for the most

exciting 100 metres final of modern times... up steps Clipboard Man: "Sorry, can't have you running, mate. Somebody might fall over. More than my job's worth. Don't blame me, its 'ealth and safety, innit? Now if you'll put on these hard hats and hi-viz jackets and make your way slowly – and I mean slowly – towards the finish line..."

First class joke

Tory MP Sir Nicholas Winterton is apoplectic after being told that he can no longer claim first class travel on his Parliamentary expenses.

You'd need a heart of stone not to laugh.

Sir Nicholas, along with MP wife, Ann, were criticised recently by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards for claiming 80,000 in rent for a London flat owned by a trust controlled by their children.

But the reprimand certainly doesn't seem to have pricked his pomposity.

And what upsets him most is the notion that in future he will have to travel steerage class with the peasantry.

The Macclesfield MP, who is standing down at the next election, complained there was a "totally different type of people" in standard-class train carriages.

Yes, Sir Nicholas, they're the type of people who work hard and pay

high taxes in order to support your lavish lifestyle.

"So we are supposed to stand when there are no seats. I'm sorry it infuriates me," he told Total Politics magazine.

Just imagine how angry he would be if he had to pay for the ticket himself like the rest of us do.