Expert Answers: Heartaches of long-distance love

WITH more people travelling and working abroad, making a long-distance relationship work is a task faced by many. Each couple’s circumstances are unique, but each share similar concerns – is the relationship worth the distance and how can we keep the love alive?

Making the decision

The first factor to consider is whether it is worth trying to make the long-distance relationship work. Certainly, at the start of a relationship, if you don’t live close to each other it’s tough but not an insurmountable problem. If you truly care for each other, you’ll keep loving and move mountains in order to eventually move closer.

But if your relationship is several years in, a sudden separation may be a danger sign. One of you may be creating physical distance in order to get emotional distance. Have a heart-to-heart and be honest. Maybe this “unavoidable move” is your unconscious telling you that the relationship is not working out.

Making it work

If you do want to be together, there is a lot you can do to make it work. Top of the list is that agony aunt favourite – communication. The less you see each other, the more you need to hear each other.

So schedule regular telephone calls and stay in touch with emails, texts and letters. When you do make contact, don’t just stick to love talk, but keep each other informed on the day-to-day aspects of your lives.

This way you each stay aware of how the other is thinking, feeling and developing.

If one of you develops a new interest or hobby, the other should make an effort to be involved. It’s not passion that ends long distance love, but usually plain loss of common interests.

Building trust

Because you’re not there to keep an eye on each other, it’s also important to build trust. Be extra demonstrative of your feelings. Send cards, flowers, presents. Say “I love you” often, to make up for the fact that you can’t show affection face-to-face.

Make extra efforts to be reliable, to do what you say you are going to do. If you each know that you are trustworthy in little things, you’ll be able to trust in big things – like fidelity.

Make or break

There comes a point in any long-distance relationship when you need a “where are we at?” conversation.

If you’re both eager to stay together, then set a date for getting together – either moving in or, at least, living in the same town and “dating”.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

LONG distance relationships are difficult, as you are emotionally attached to a person you cannot touch or see and this can wreak havoc with your emotions. Communication is a key in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, regular communication is crucial. Set aside time to talk to one another on the telephone, however, it is important to maintain a level of independence in such a relationship. It is a mistake to sit at home by the telephone every night, waiting for him to call or constantly checking your emails etc. Keep busy, be involved, and enjoy time with friends and in activities that are important to you. If your partner has a healthy approach to relationships, he will be doing the same, while still keeping you first and foremost in his mind. Giving up your life in favour of sitting home alone or spending each and every night on the telephone will eventually prove fatal to your relationship. Stay in touch with the things that make you the person you are, the things that keep you vibrant and alive and interesting, the things that made him fall for you in the first place

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

LONG distance relationships are always difficult – but not impossible! You obviously have strong feelings for this guy and the fact that he isn’t just “down the road” makes it difficult to maintain a relationship. You say that you realise that you are in love with him. I am wondering whether when you were together that you had any inkling that there was possibly something between you that was more than a friendship? Did you talk about how you felt? There are two sayings – “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “out of sight, out of mind”. You are obviously worried that with him it might be the latter and that he will forget about the time you had together and move on to another relationship. There is only one way to test this out: honesty. I know that that could be very scary and that you could risk being rejected, but if you are serious about this man then pehaps you need to let him know what you are thinking. Either way you will know where you stand. It could be very painful or it could be wonderful – it is a gamble. You have the choice to go on as good friends and see what happens – or put your cards on the table and tell him how you really feel.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

IF you were my my daughter, I would suggest to continue to see him as often as is practicable, and hope that something materialises.

You should have plenty of holiday periods, and long weekends to Germany, to continue to develop the relationship and see if this is the right relationship for you.

If it is meant to be, he won’t forget you and the relationship will survive. Of course, you do have to invest time in a relationship but this can be done by seeing each other as often as you can, keeping in touch by Skype and other modes of communication... and see where that takes your relationship.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

THIS situation poses such a lot of questions. What is it about this man that was so appealing? Did you have a lot in common; close emotional communication, shared interests, and similar backgrounds? Is he aware of your feelings and does he feel the same about you? Perhaps you could raise (carefully!) the topic of how you feel about him in a phone call or an email and ask if there is any chance he may feel the same about you. If he seems surprised or shocked and lets you know that he does not see you in the same light, then at least you know the situation that you are in and have an opportunity to come to terms with it. If he has similar feelings, you can start to have an honest communication with him about where you want to take it next. If he truly cares for you, he will not be looking for an alternative relationship and you will need to develop trust in each other over time. I guess the rules are the same for most romantic relationships where both people are free, regardless of which country you live in. At the moment, this feels like a fantasy in your head and you need to clarify if the situation for him is the same as yours. If he responds negatively, you need to move on.

MAKING IT WORK ACROSS THE MILES

• Agree when to get together. The biggest thing missing in your relationship is obviously lack of physical contact. So your first priority is to agree to get together on a regular basis.

• Grow the “best friends” part of your relationship. There’s still little that can beat the phone for connecting with someone (short of seeing them.

• Create memorable moments. Whenever you get together make sure you’ve planned at least one or two things to do together that will make this particularly fun and memorable.