Expert Answers: Returned son takes us for granted

more than three-quarters (78 per cent) of “boomerang parents” enjoy having their children move back in with them.

Those in Northern Ireland are the most enthusiastic (89 per cent) about playing happy families, while parents in the East Midlands are the least happy about the situation, with almost a fifth (18 per cent) saying they don’t enjoy living with their children again.

The tough economic times are a contributing factor in the number of people deciding to move back in with their parents. More than one in 10 over 50s who have put up their adult children again after they first left home did so to help their children out in times of financial difficulties.

A further 17 per cent have provided accommodation for their adult children following a divorce or separation. While many children return home after completing university (26 per cent) or after a relationship split, planning for a short stay while they find their feet, it seems many children may be outstaying their welcome.

Almost a fifth (17 per cent) have moved back in with their parents for more than a year, suggesting parents may be making their lives a bit too comfortable.

Londoners are the keenest to stay put (25 per cent), perhaps because they are delaying having to pay for the high cost of living in the capital.

A quarter (27 per cent) of parents asked for a financial contribution towards the increased household bills, but 28 per cent didn’t want any financial assistance. Some 16 per cent of children contributed financially even though their parents did not ask for help, whereas, 15 per cent of children are unwilling or unable to contribute at all.

Even if their children do contribute to the household bills, many over 50s could still find themselves out of pocket as a fifth (16 per cent) of parents even go so far as to make changes to their own property to house their offspring comfortably.

People should also be aware that if changes are made to a property that increase the amount of bedrooms, they should notify their insurance company to make sure they have sufficient cover for their buildings and contents. Andrew Goodsell, executive chairman, Saga Group, said: “It is good to see that you can always depend on your parents in times of emotional and economic difficulty. But don’t forget the financial implications of moving home, such as the cost of food and energy bills and any increase in insurance cover that maybe needed for extra valuables in the home.”

BRITAIN LEADS ON ‘BOOMERANGS’

The Office for National Statistics say Britain has twice as many boomerang children as anywhere else in Europe.

Four per cent of adults between 16 and 29 are returning to live with their parents.

Abbey Mortgages, meanwhile, conducted a survey that said 500,000 adults within the UK between 35 and 44 moved back in with their parents in 2009.

With unemployment at a 17-year high and more job losses on the horizon it looks likely that an increasing number of older children will be moving back in with their parents.

PAUL CHARLSON, GP FROM BROUGH

I think it is time you had a discussion with your son. He has gone through a difficult time and will have undoubtedly welcomed your support. However, the time has now come for him to consider moving out and getting on with his own life. You must make it clear in the nicest possible terms to him that this is what he must do for everybody’s benefit. It may be a difficult thing for you but you must do it before the situation becomes very difficult. Do not delay.

ELAINE DOUGLAS, A CHARTERED PSYCHOLOGIST WHO SPECIALISES IN FAMILY AND CHILD RELATIONSHIPS

I can see why you’re a bit anxious – from what I have read it would seem that young men are far less likely to fly the nest than young women. Perhaps it’s something to do with there being a regular supply of meals, laundry done and no hassles about paying the bills and budgeting etc. Your son is contributing to the family coffers, but at the moment he doesn’t have to worry about the domestic side of his life. But perhaps this is what he needs at the moment. He is working which is good news, so perhaps he needs a little time to regroup and work out what he is going to do in the aftermath of his divorce. The break up of a relationship is extremely painful whichever way you look at it. There are things to deal with from a financial and emotional perspective and all of this takes a lot of energy and head space. I am sure he is grateful for your support, even though he may not be expressing those sentiments at the moment. When we feel threatened by our circumstances we tend to try and look for a situation where we feel comfortable and safe. His confidence will have been dented by what has happened, but I doubt that he will want to stay with you forever more.

CARY COOPER, PROFESSOR OF ORGANISATIONAL PSYCHOLOGY AND HEALTH AT LANCASTER UNIVERSITY

Rather than store up your anger, it is best to get it out. I would suggest you find a good time to sit down with him, and let him know that although you love him dearly, he needs to make some decisions about his future and take into consideration what you want from yours. Given that he is working and making a reasonable salary this should be possible. In addition, you should also indicate that at some point in time it would be best he moved into his own space, and begin his life again, that it may be comforting to be back in the family nest but he needs to stand on his own two-feet eventually, when he feels ready.

DR CAROL BURNISTON, CONSULTANT CLINICAL CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST

Your son probably needed your support when his marriage broke up and it was helpful for him that you were able to provide this. I wonder what you agreed with him when he first came home? Often we find that major decisions are taken in life with very little discussion and it sounds as if this was the case here. You could try sitting down together, talking about the future and what your son’s plans are. Sometimes the emotional difficulties involved at the end of a relationship mean that people have very little time or energy to make plans for later on. It is also difficult to imagine what life might look like when all the plans you had made have collapsed. This applies to everyone concerned, either directly or indirectly. Your son and other family members are facing a different future from the one they may have imagined and it is worth discussing the plans you have as a couple and asking your son to contribute his ideas for his own future. Be clear about your expectations of his contribution to the household, financially and in terms of his help with domestic tasks. If you feel he is now in an emotionally stable place, you could even ask him if and when he plans to move on.