Gervase Phinn: Some initial difficulties

One easily forgets since there have been so many changes. The new acronym is likely to be something like DRSE (Department for Raising Standards in Education).

I well recall the first school governing body I addressed as an Ofsted inspector. The serious-faced group sat before me, all eyes trained in my direction. The chair of governors, a florid-faced man with huge ginger eyebrows which curved into question marks eyed me suspiciously with pale watery eyes.

"We're 'ere for the report from the school inspector," he announced. "This is Mr Flynn form OFFSET."

"Off what ?" inquired a plain-faced little woman with a pursed mouth and small black darting eyes.

"No, no, that's the water Doris. Mr Flynn's from OFFSET."

"OFSTED," I corrected him, "and it's Mr Phinn."

"OFSTED ?" he repeated, "is that what it is ?"

"OFFSET is, as I remember, a machine which prints paper," I said smiling.

"Oh," said the chair of governors addressing his colleagues. "Well, you get so confused these days, don't you, with 'off this' and 'off that?' Anyhow, Mr Flynn's here to tell how we've done in the inspection." He turned his attention and his eyebrows back to me. "And I should say, Mr Flynn, that we like things plain in Yorkshire, straight to the point. We don't put inspectors and the like on pedestals for, as my sainted mother used to say, 'they nobbut wants dustin'.''

"Phinn," I said. "It's Mr Phinn."

"This is all very confusing," remarked the plain-faced little woman with a pursed mouth. "We've not even got to the report yet and we're having differences. Can we make a start?"

"Well, I don't want to be too long," said a cheerful looking cleric. "I do have another meeting in a couple of hours."

"I'm sure it won't take that long," said another governor before glowering in my direction. "Will it?"

"Aye," said the chair of governors, his huge eyebrows twitching, "let's get on. How's our little school done then?"

Members of the governing body leaned forward craned their necks and fixed me with stares which would curdle milk. I placed the thick OFSTED handbook in front of me with the various additional updates, guidance booklets, questionnaires and school documents before arranging piles of various lists, statistics and summaries to pass around. When I looked up, I faced a sea of faces staring at the mountain of paper in disbelief.

"Well, before I begin I would like to talk a little about the context of the inspection…" I was cut short. "I think I was right fust time with OFSETT Mr Flynn," announced the chairman of governors. "Talk about churning out paper. I reckon when you do your inspections, forest falls."