Ian McMillan: Countries are like aunties; best to visit one at a time

I knew I was on to a loser as he’s definitely been to more countries than me because he makes radio programmes all over the world. Still, I thought I’d give it a go. I’m daft like that.

I started with France. He saw my France and raised me Belgium. I countered Belgium with Germany and he hit me a low blow with Luxembourg.

His countries were mainly a lot more exotic and, well, foreign, than mine. I gave him Ireland and he gave me China. I tried the USA and he parried that with Vietnam.

I thought my South Korea would leave him reeling but he knocked me on to the ropes with Japan, Laos and Cambodia. I saw stars, but I didn’t mention that in case he’d been to a few.

My last two were Mexico and Argentina and I Iaid them on the table like a killer hand at rummy but then, as he started to reel off a load of the countries in South and Central America that he’d been to, I gave up. I bashed the mat three times and shouted “I surrender!” It was like talking to a spinning globe.

Now, as autumn’s in full swing and Christmas isn’t round too many corners, this is the time of year I start to think about next year’s holidays.

A couple of years ago, we went to Canada for our big holiday; last year we took the train through Europe, calling in on Germany and Switzerland and France. This year we just went to Northumberland and strolled on sandy beaches in the sun.

Next year will be complicated by the Olympics; we were lucky enough to get some tickets in the draw so we’re taking my grandson Thomas to see some hockey and some basketball and some football, but there’ll be about 10 days in mid- July when we can squeeze a trip in and the question is, where should we go? And, as I sat gazing at a map of the world on my laptop, I suddenly felt gripped by a great sadness, a condition known to travelers as Map Lack. Put simply, there are places I’ll never get to.

As a kid, I used to envy those contestants on Miss World; not just their long legs and their tiaras but the fact that their ambition was to travel the world.

In my innocence, I thought that’s why they wanted to be Miss World and maybe, in their innocence, that’s why some of them did. My dad had been a sailor for twenty-odd years and he knew the world like the back of his hand. Well, the wet bits anyway, but there were places he’d never been to, harbours he’d never seen, mountain ranges he’d never seen a sun the colour of a blood orange dipping behind. He once told me he wished he’d been to Guatemala and when I asked him why, he just said he liked the sound of the word.

So now, at the age of 55, I’m going to have to cross some places off my wish list. There are hundreds of countries in the world and I’ve got to admit to myself that there are some I’ll never get to.

Let’s say we can afford a big trip every two years. Let’s say we remain fit and healthy and curious until we’re 85. That’s 30 years. That’s 15 big trips. That’s not many. Do we go to Japan or China? Chile or Paraguay? Denmark or Finland? I know you could combine countries but I reckon in my heart of hearts that you should give a place a good go if you’re going to visit it. Countries are like aunties, I reckon: visit one at a time or you’ll get over-faced. And it doesn’t count if you’ve just flown over them. The countries that is, not the aunties.

Anyway, forget China: there are places in these islands I’ve not been to yet. Truro. Stornoway. Bacup. Little Missenden. And it doesn’t count if you’ve just zipped through them on the train.

Anyway, forget Little Missenden: there are places in Yorkshire I’ve not visited yet. Bramley. Hedon. Slingsby. And it doesn’t count if you’ve been driven through them on the way to somewhere else. A visit has to involve at least a few hours, I reckon.

Anyway, forget Slingsby: there are bits of Barnsley I’ve not visited yet. That park at the side of the A635 near Goldthorpe. That wild bit up on the moors called Townend. The Top of Dodworth Bottoms. Anyway, forget The Top of Dodworth Bottoms, there are bits of Darfield I’ve not visited yet. That new estate on the left as you walk down Snape Hill. That bit of waste ground where the Bottom Club used to be. That footpath that leads down to New Hall.

Blimey! Time is short. Time to explore everything, before it’s too late…