Ian McMillan: Ill met by daylight, with a second helping

Let’s observe this typically Yorkshire scene, ladies and gentlemen, and see what we can deduce from it about the behaviour of the typical Yorkshire male. And then let’s try and work out a solution that will satisfy all parties. I’ll set the scene: a bloke, let’s call him Bloke A, has just been to the paper shop. Whilst in the paper shop he bumps into Bloke B, a bloke Bloke A knows vaguely because they sit near each other at the football.
By The Newsroom
Published 13th Feb 2012, 00:00 BST

They exchange pleasantries. People from outside Yorkshire would think that the two blokes were merely grunting and gesturing in an almost simian way but we Tykes understand that they’re having a detailed and complex exchange about the weather, the tactics employed in Saturday’s home draw, and the possibility of it being quiet enough in the barber’s later on to get in and get a good trim. Bloke A and Bloke B part, saying “Reyt”, a truly Yorkshire syllable that, in the hands of somewhere from, say, The South, would expand to something like: “Right then, my good man, I’ll take my leave of you and toddle on my merry way before my good lady wife wonders exactly where I can have got to this fine sunny morning. Goodbye to you! Take care! Bye now! Bye!” As the two Yorkshire blokes know, this is far too much. “Reyt” is plenty. Is almost more than enough.

So Bloke A walks down the hill and back up the hill in a certain direction and Bloke B walks up the hill and back down the hill in a different direction because they like to take a turn before they go back home. And this means that halfway round the stroll Bloke A and Bloke B will meet again. You’re recoiling in horror, and you’re right: they’ve already met once that day, they already had the equivalent of a good chat which almost tipped over into a full-blown philosophical discussion. So what the heck do they do now?

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Bloke A and Bloke B are approaching each other like gunfighters on the main street of Tombstone so they’d better decide on a course of action. They need our help. They’ve seen each other from under the sheltering nebs of their flat caps. Because they’re men from Yorkshire they know they don’t have to even acknowledge the other man because they’ve already done it, and yet convention dictates that they should.

They’re getting closer. Each is pretending they haven’t seen the other. Bloke A is gazing at the sky as though he’s birdwatching. Bloke B is gazing at the ground as though he’s looking for a lost key. They’re getting closer.

This is the dilemma you have to solve, readers. I’ve got a few suggestions, but you really must make your own mind up. They could nod to each other, that sideways nod that can be translated as “I’ve talked to you once today so we don’t have to talk again.” They could make reference to their previous conversation, as in “I teld thi it were offside!” “It nivver wor!’ They could simply ignore each other, pretending to be distracted by a mobile phone. They could play a game of dare, walking straight at the other until one turned away.

It’s up to you. Choose carefully.

Related topics:YorkshirePeople