Ian McMillan: My secret collection of things gone but not forgotten

For years, in notebooks big and small, lined and unlined, I’ve been compiling ‘Ian’s Lists of Things You Rarely See Or Hear Anymore’. I never intended these lists for publication, but recently I thought they should see the light of day because otherwise they’ll just fester in my notebooks until my kids throw them in the skip when I’ve passed on to a better place. I know there’s no better place than Darfield, but you get my drift.
By The Newsroom
Published 30th Jul 2012, 13:59 BST

So, here they are, in no particular order.

Women with rainmates on even though it’s not raining. People staring at planes as though they’re an unusual sight. People shouting, “Get them knees up!” at passing joggers. Baffled middle-aged men trying to talk into the wrong end of a mobile phone. Very tall men walking with very short women and holding hands so it looks as though he’s helping her out of a hole. Postmen whistling Memories by Barbra Streisand.

Women going next door wearing floral pinnies clutching cups to fill with sugar. Men who, when they take their flat caps off, reveal a red forehead ring. Butchers with stripy pinnies and straw hats on. Butchers who, when they take their straw hats and pinnies off, reveal red rings round their heads and waists. Postmen whistling Apache by The Shadows.

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People leaning out of cars asking directions while holding a map upside down. Men with rough beards eating raw turnips. Women shouting “Geraaaat!” to dogs who are running in circles round their gardens. Postmen whistling I’m Going to Wash that Man Right Out of My Hair from South Pacific.

Women getting on buses with twins asking for “one and two halves to the depot, please.” Couples looking into each other’s eyes on a bench while their ice-cream melts as they listen to Radio Luxembourg on a transistor radio. Kids with ‘Kick Me’ signs Sellotaped to their backs. People in the South of England who, when they hear that you’re from Yorkshire, say “You must know Frank.” Postmen whistling My Old Man’s a Dustman by Lonnie Donegan.

People who shout, “You can come and do mine when you’ve finished!” to sweating men in red vests mowing lawns. Men in overalls with a pencil behind one ear and a cigarette behind the other. Women in wellies on a sunny day. Men with bright red handkerchiefs in the breast pocket of their immaculate blazers. Postmen whistling the Coronation Street theme.

Men taking their caps off when a funeral goes by, revealing red, and somehow sad, rings round their foreheads. Kids drinking bright orange orange juice from a small glass bottle. Older men who keep their wallets 
under their flat caps. Postmen who whistle Sloop John B by The Beach Boys.

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People who dive to pick a penny up in the street. People who bark at passing dogs, just for the joy of it.

Older men who sneeze 
loudly on the street, then shout,“And that’s dust!” Postmen who whistle We Three Kings even though 
it’s July.

Related topics:People