Ian McMillan: Warm words from a multi-layered performer

Of course, us Yorkshire types know that The Layer Dilemma is no such thing, and the only pouting to be done round here will be the involuntary rictus known as the spasm-pout when you realise your balaclava’s a bit too tight round the neck area.

In the White Rose county, the layer dilemma is to do with the weather, with the fact that you never know quite what it’s going to do but you’ve still got to get out to the shops for your last minute Christmas bits and the elusive present that’s just out of stock or just about to come into stock or never been in stock.

How many layers should I put on? Can you have too many layers or too few? That’s The Layer Dilemma.

So here I am getting dressed for a foray to town. Easy bits first: pants, socks. Thick socks, of course. Big pants. Then the T-shirt to go under the jumper. Here’s the first dilemma: should I put a thermal T-shirt on? I bought some thermal T-shirts a few years ago when I went to Argentina and somebody told me it was going to be freezing.

It wasn’t, as it happened, but I’d only packed the thermal T-shirts which is why I became known as The Sweating Englishman round the artistic quarter of Buenos Aires.

I wear a thermal one sometimes at the football because those evening matches can be like a night in The Ice Hotel, but apart from those occasions they don’t get a great deal of use.

I glance out of the window, peeping through the curtains so nobody sees my thick socks and big pants and thinks that Superman lives in Darfield: brrr! Looks chilly. Thermal T-shirt, I think. Then another glance through the crack in the curtains: is it really, really cold? Cold enough for the long-johns? The long-johns were another impulse purchase just before the Argentina trip and they certainly keep your legs warm. Very warm, as though you’ve just spilled soup down them.

It looks really cold out there. Birds are pecking at the ice on the bird-table and the earth stands, to quote the carol, hard as iron. I slip the long-johns on, another layer to keep the frost away.

The funny thing about long-johns is that despite the fact that the models on the packet seem like they’ve just stepped off the set of The Layer Dilemma, they make you look and feel instantly old, even ancient. Just putting my long-johns on to go to the over 80’s lunch club, dear. Maybe it’s a marketing opportunity; call them long-Beckhams and they’d have a youthful appeal. Never mind. Long-johns it is.

Trousers on top of the long-johns. Jumper on top of the thermal T-shirt. Downstairs like a man in a fat suit or that actor who used to play The Penguin on the Batman TV series. Another aspect of The Layer Dilemma is the Warm House Conundrum; if you linger too long in the kitchen snatching a last slurp of tea before you venture out, you’ll start to heat up like you’ve got a fever.

The layers you’ve put on are designed for use in the open air, not the centrally-heated modern home. The phone rings and you’ve got to answer it and you stand there talking for what feels like ages and it’s as though you’ve just opened the oven to get the Yorkshires out and it feels like your long-Johns might spontaneously combust so you open the door and freezing air rushes in and your wife shouts something from the other room and you have to shut the door again and stand there and baste.

Phone down. Brow wiped. Tea slurped. More layers, please. I’m a layer addict and I need more layers. Scarf, a long one wrapped round the neck a couple of times in a way that you fool yourself is stylish but which actually makes you look as though your mam still dresses you in the morning.

Coat, zipped up to the top. Zipped and buttoned. Blimey, it’s warm in here. Hat: woolly one pulled low over the ears. I now look like a cross between The Penguin and Compo from Last of the Summer Wine. I’ve got to get out, get into the cold air so I can breathe.

Shoes on. I can hardly bend down to get them on. They only just fit over the thick warm socks. A bead of sweat lands on the laces. I open the door. I can’t tell if it’s cold or not. That’s The Layer Dilemma, solved. For now.