Jayne Dowle: If you want better parents, ask the real experts

When your three-year-old can’t sleep on a stormy night, it won’t damage her irrevocably if you let her climb into your bed at 3am.

Should your children argue about everything from television channels to who got the most red Smarties (Smarties!), they will not grow up damagingly conflict-averse if you yank them apart and shut them in separate rooms until they stop yelling at each other.

Never assume they will like the same children’s books/films/games you did – they are individuals, not extensions of yourself.

And if all else fails, whether it is a teething baby or a sulking eight year-old in the school holidays, take them out for a walk.

There, that’s five things I’ve learned in my almost-nine years as a mother.

If the Government wants to teach people how to be better parents, they should listen to those who do the job, not some liberal think-tank called CentreForum, which has come up with a five-a-day parenting pledge.

I thought all that nanny state nonsense had disappeared with the demise of New Labour, and surely we have something better to spend our national debt on, but it’s the summer, so perhaps it’s quiet.

The last time I looked, neither of my two resembled bananas, but this new idea is based on the “five-a-day” scheme which gave us a checklist for the healthy consumption of fruit and veg.

Apparently, it worked, but I am sceptical. How can you actually check? There are about 60 million of us in Britain. How do those health inspectors know what we are really eating? And what if those questioned for the “before and after” surveys lie?

Anyway, I digress, but you will understand my cynicism. Here’s what the parenting pledge suggests: 1. Read to your child for at least 15 minutes a day, 2.Play with your child on the floor for 10 minutes, 3. Talk with your child for 20 minutes with the TV off, 4. Adopt positive attitudes towards your child and praise them frequently, 5. Ensure your child has a nutritious diet to aid their development.

That all sounds fairly sensible to me, if a little vague on the detail. How old are these children we are talking about, and to?

I’m assuming it must be under-fives. That’s another thing. Why is state parenting advice always targeted at those with the youngest children?

Dealing with an obdurate three-year-old who won’t come in from the rain is a lot easier than trying to handle an adolescent who is being cyber-bullied. Where are the concerned official guidelines then?

I love my son, who is almost nine, very much. But if I got down and played with him on the floor for 10 minutes every day, I wouldn’t be able to physically walk around the supermarket in search of all that purple sprouting broccoli for his nutritious diet.

His idea of “playing on the floor” inevitably involves wrestling, and seeing as he is almost five foot tall and built like a prop forward, he wins all the time, because I have no choice but to surrender. I’m sure that doesn’t teach him any kind of valuable lesson about playing fair.

And for what it’s worth, I think that learning how to play fair is one of things which makes a kid grow up into a decent human being, whatever their background or family.

The politest child I know is from a council estate, has got his ear pierced and his single mother works in a care home. The rudest kid I know has right-on teachers for parents and speaks three languages, but won’t even look an adult in the eye to say hello and goodbye. I know which one I would rather have round for tea.

And this is where I take real umbrage with this five-a-day parenting pledge. It is part of wider proposals which suggest that parents on the lowest incomes could be offered financial incentives to attend classes where they will be taught how to put the pledge into operation. I think it is otherwise known as a way of weeding out the “deserving poor” from the rest of the lager-swilling, fast-food-scoffing under-class.

So what happens to the children whose parents can’t be fagged to drag themselves off the sofa to the community centre for their parenting class, whatever the financial incentive?

Presumably, they will be left to play alone in the dirt with their broken toys, because there aren’t enough social workers to go round to rescue them from their horrible lives.

This approach assumes two things which we should all question; that the Government is the voice of wisdom when it comes to bringing up families, and that there is public money going spare to bribe, sorry, encourage parents to do as they are told, when all around benefits which help all parents and children are being slashed.

Honestly, when this kind of logic is at work, the only sensible thing to do is to ignore all official advice and do what you think best. Don’t expect anyone to listen though. You’re only a parent. What do you know?