Jayne Dowle: Shop queen Mary will get more than she bargained for on high street mission

She didn’t patronise, she didn’t do that “look at me I’m a celeb” thing and she didn’t seem half as scary as she does on her telly shows such as Mary Queen of Shops and Secret Shopper.

She just talked to everybody around her with the air of a woman genuinely curious about what makes people spend £30 on something they are going to set fire to and burn.

And now she’s been put in charge of transforming our high streets by David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

Much as I hold Ms Portas in regard, I wonder whether this exercise will turn out to be a colossal waste of time, energy, and presumably, money.

The Prime Minister’s faith in the retail expert and former creative director of Harvey Nichols is touching: “I am confident that her straight-talking, no-nonsense approach will help us to create vibrant and diverse town centres.”

But come on. I’m wondering when was the last time he found himself in Rotherham town centre on a wet Thursday afternoon? And that’s no disrespect to Rotherham. It’s not the only place which has the life drained out of it by out-of-town retail parks, no long-term vision and straightforward lack-of-cash.

It’s going to take more than a strident red-head with strong views about window displays to turn such retail ghettoes into “vibrant and diverse town centres”, especially when economic forecasters predict UK high street spending will not return to pre-recession levels until at least 2013, and even then will only rise by only two per cent a year up to 2020.

If I was Ms Portas, I wouldn’t have turned down the gig. But I do wonder whether it will ultimately do her reputation more harm than good.

It’s not yet clear exactly who she is going to tackle on her mission – I’ve got visions of junior Tesco managers quaking in case she is the mystery speaker at their annual conference – but any woman brought in to reform anything and billed as “straight-talking, no-nonsense” is usually heading for a hard time.

All the experienced boss- blokes will be lining up against her like a football team about to defend a penalty from Steven Gerrard. And all those tough cookies who have run department stores since they were Saturday girls will be bitching about whether that leather jacket is too young for her.

And I’m sorry, I know she has an excellent professional reputation, but if I was a town centre manager in say, Halifax, trying to keep body and soul together and the druggies from shoplifting in Boots, I wouldn’t be that impressed by someone who rocks up from London to tell me what to do.

Incidentally, what is it with this government and bossy posh women? Can’t these boys do anything for themselves?

I worry that there’s more than a smack of nanny about it… Kirstie Allsopp imploring us to put our sweet-wrappers in the bin for Keep Britain Tidy, Martha Lane Fox nagging about the internet. I’m certain Alex Polizzi off The Hotel Inspector will be drafted in next to terrorise Bridlington’s B&B owners into serving only organic sausages in the interests of British tourism.

And when will Ministers realise that what works in business hardly ever works once politicians get their hands on it? Look at the casualty list of corporate advisors … Sir Alan Sugar, Digby Jones, and er, Kirstie Allsopp again, as a “property guru”… what difference did any of them actually make? Any ideas they might have had will have been mired in procedure and policy review, lost in a mass of committees and red tape.

Making our shopping centres attractive and viable is a lot more complicated than putting some tables and chairs outside the chip shop and calling it “vibrant”. If that worked, Barnsley would be the Bond Street of the North.

As it is, we are pinning our hopes on the latest ambitious plans for a new market and retail quarter that have taken years of planning, revision, and re-revision, and still aren’t guaranteed to come off.

If the Government really wants to get to grips with this kind of situation across the country, it will require a total and honest appreciation of the issues which our towns and cities are dealing with, not blind faith in the quick-fix possibilities of a woman off the telly and the ridiculous notion that most of us have no other ambition than to buy over-priced artisan bread.

Changing social habits, the growth of internet shopping, expensive parking fees, intimidating gangs hanging round with their dogs and buggy-brats in front of Marks & Spencer... I could go on, but I’m sure you’ve done your own research.

Apparently her work will include several visits to town centres and “engagement events” with shop-owners and customers. All I can say is, I hope she’s not scared of pound shops, and if she comes up to you with a clip-board, be honest.