Stephanie Smith: The lifelong hurt caused by sibling bullying

I suspect there are other older brothers and sisters pondering the same, following the release of new research suggesting that being picked on by a sibling can leave deep, lasting, mental scars.

In a study by the University of Oxford, 3,500 12-year-olds were asked if they had been bullied by a sibling and, if so, how often. Being bullied was defined as being physically hurt, but also ostracised, ignored or the subject of lies, rumours and deliberately hurtful remarks. At 18, there were quizzed again. Around 800 said they had been bullied several times a week when young and these youngsters were twice as likely to be clinically depressed in the previous year compared with the non-bullied. Girls were more likely to be victims.

This is disturbing, although maybe not surprising. So, did I bully my younger sister and brothers? Certainly I resented them. As the eldest of four (the youngest born when I was seven), home life was chaotic and noisy. While still a little one myself, I was expected to behave more maturely. Most of all, I remember wanting to to be left alone, because I could never do anything by myself (horse riding, drama club) without my sister wanting to do it too. Aged 10, I didn’t see this emulation as cute and flattering, but dismissed it as a complete lack of imagination and a desire to ruin my life. Obviously.

It’s odd that there haven’t been more studies into sibling bullying, but I suspect it has been dismissed as an inevitable and possibly character and skill-set building aspect of growing up.

Now I’m a mum myself, I know that sibling rivalry happens and can be tough to deal with. There is scant advice about sibling bullying compared with school bullying. Parents don’t want their children to hate each other, but it’s easy to slip into “divide and rule” mode without realising, polarising siblings, categorising them as “the peacemaker” and “the troublemaker”, “the leader” and “the follower, “the kind one” and “the selfish one”, and even (especially among sisters) “the pretty one” and “the clever one”. Inevitably this creates intense feelings of rivalry and resentment as children struggle with their identity and place in the world.

Sibling bullying and rivalry can cause lifelong psychological damage and pain, plus division among brothers and sisters who should be best friends for life. It’s too important an issue to be left to untrained, stressed parents to muddle or blunder through. We need help and guidance from professionals.

Still I worry, did I bully my younger siblings? Not really, but I think I was a bit mean sometimes. I’m not going to ask them, because I know what they will say. Yes! See - a complete lack of imagination and a desire to ruin my life, as usual.

Twitter: @yorkshirefashQ