Bernard Ingham: Am I a genius? Compared to this lot, quite probably

In bemoaning the loss of Tory communications skills, he said that both I and Alastair Campbell, in our very different ways – an important qualification – had a “preternatural ability to encapsulate the mission in headline style and to tell the leader frankly when she/he was making mistakes”.

My dictionary defines preternatural as abnormal, even superhuman. Being dubbed a superman makes a nice change from the usual abuse. It also behoves me to impart to you my extraordinary wisdom on this weird and terrorist-ravaged general election ending tomorrow.

Britain should hang its head in shame at the poverty of its political leadership and its addiction at all levels of society to government handouts.

For sheer prim incompetence, the Scottish National Party’s Nicola Sturgeon takes the biscuit. If she had campaigned for a UK-wide referendum on Scottish independence, she would have found the English queuing up to give it to her – and good riddance.

I must say the sweet lilt of Welsh Nationalist Leanne Wood is captivating, but little else. As for Caroline Lucas, co-leader of the Greens, she is ideologically Jeremy Corbyn wrapped in verdant piety.

Paul Nuttall, UK Independence Party, must be nuts. My local Ukip candidate says they are going for “a form of proportional representation”. If so, they are trading influence for the chance of a glimmer of power in endless coalitions and chronically weak government.

As for the boy soldier, Tim Farron, of the Liberal Democrats, he is the alien element with his single-minded attachment to the European Union. But a democrat, my foot.

All this would not be so bad if Labour were able to offer the prospect of sound government. Instead, Jeremy Corbyn and his supposed Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, probably still haven’t a clue what their expensive programmes will cost. It is inconceivable that their PR chappies did not drum the figures into them before letting them loose on the airwaves. We must therefore conclude they are either as thick as two planks or suffering the early onset of dementia which, they say, the Tories are going to tax.

This brings me to the Tories, still the next likely government in spite of a poor campaign.

Given that it is virtually impossible to get rid of any social benefit in hand-out Britain, Tory high command should have known it was playing with fire over the gathering geriatric crisis. Why on earth it had to mention getting rid of the cap on a patient’s contribution to care costs when it was proposing to consult widely in a Green Paper is beyond me.

Then, having presented Theresa May as the “strong and stable” candidate, they allow her to wobble by restoring a cap of some sorts. Frankly, on this evidence, I would not pay May’s election team in washers.

But that is not all. They have sent her into bat with little more to say than “strong and stable”, “trust me” and “I’m the one to negotiate Brexit”. It is the job of a leader to speak seriously to the nation and inspire it with the talents of her team. But what team, apart from Amber Rudd? Chancellor Philip Hammond lives in the shadows. That rumbustious crowd-pleaser, Boris Johnson, is only let out on licence. And his Brexit co-Ministers, David Davis and Liam Fox, have almost disappeared.

It cannot go on like this if the Tories remain the government. We need a collegiate administration of Tory talent, or I fear the worst.

Well, not quite. Even a faltering, wobbling, dysfunctional Tory government can be expected to save us from the consequences of Corbyn in or out of a so-called “coalition of chaos”.

Talking of the dysfunctional, about the only consolation I have found during these past weeks is Donald Trump telling the Arabs they have to fight terrorism too; Europe to do a lot more to defend itself and the world’s obsessive environmentalists where to put their climate change programme.

These things – and Germany’s exploitation of the euro – have needed saying for years. And, while all our political parties back the Paris Agreement on climate change, it is good that Trump has punctured its pretensions.

Meanwhile, we shall soon discover whether I am a genius. I forecast the Tories would get 385 seats. My fate – and Britain’s – is in your hands. Don’t be silly.