Protecting the innocence of youth

When I had my two little girls, I assumed that if I didn’t dress them in T-shirts with the words: “So many boys, too little time” or mini high heels, I could protect their childhoods.

But as Lily and Clio grew up, I soon realised how hard it is for parents to hang on to their girls’ innocence. After all, despite our best efforts to protect them, unhealthy messages about what it means to be a female are all around children.

Our girls grow up in school playgrounds where the most feared insult is the word “fat.” The dolls being sold to them come with cleavages – and their pop idols dress like lap-dancers. Yet, when I looked around me, I found nothing which actually told parents what they can do to safeguard their girls.

So, as a parenting author and journalist, I set about interviewing psychologists, experts, teachers and families to find the best way forward for the first guide for mums and dads, “Where Has My Little Girl Gone?”

The good news is that parents are far from powerless. There are lots of practical steps you can take today to inoculate your daughter against the worst effects of the X-rated society.

But most important of all, I realised how important it is that we parents don’t bury our heads in the sand or assume there’s nothing we can do to stop these messages getting through to our girls.

For example, few of us want to think about our daughters seeing disturbing sexual images on the internet. But the easy availability of porn on the web means we have to tackle the subject with our kids head-on – before the internet gets there first. If our girls do end up stumbling across it, the lessons they learn will be a long way from the healthy messages you want them to have about sex.

All of the girls I spoke to, age nine and up, were aware there were “nasty pictures” out there and wanted to avoid them.

A report by the LSE found that nearly six out of 10 children aged between nine and 19 have seen porn – but just 16 per cent of their parents were aware of it.

They may not have gone looking for them, but pornographic images still get through when kids misspell web addresses, see pop-up ads and get sent picture messages. As they get older – and increasingly curious, it gets more urgent.

By the age of 12, seven out of 10 children say they already know more about sex than their parents think they do.

None of this can happen overnight. The sooner we begin protecting our girls by decoding all the messages around them, the better. Because if we resort to anything-for-a-quiet life parenting, and allow our children to spend hours in front of iPods, iPads and laptops, they will wander off into a cyberworld where we won’t be able to follow.

The tween years in particular – from around seven and 12 – are an important window. It’s our best chance to influence our children and shape their values – before their friends and peer pressure start drowning us out.

Just by becoming more aware, you can help protect your daughter against sexualisation by making her more media-savvy. In the two minutes you take to show your daughter how a photo of an ultra-skinny model has been airbrushed, you’ve taught her not to try to live up to an image of perfection that doesn’t exist.

By explaining the pressures on your daughter to look sexy, and reminding how she is worth more than that, you can shelter her against the drip, drip, drip erosion of her self-worth.

A rise in eating disorders, self-harm, casual sex, teen pregnancy and under-age drinking are some of the other side-effects of growing up in a celebrity culture which puts an impossibly high value on looks and sex.

My daughters are worth so much more than that – and so are yours.

KEEP HER SAFE ON FACEBOOK

Facebook is a public forum. An ill-judged post or picture on Facebook is seen by hundreds and can’t easily be removed.

Tell your child that one of the conditions of being on there is that she makes you a friend. If she wants to block you, ask why. If it’s because she’s embarrassed by you, offer to go on under another name. Be open about your involvement. It’s essential she maintains trust in you.

Tell your daughter that having friends on Facebook is not the same as having real friends. Only add people if they really know them. Warn her about cyber-bullying: Don’t wait until it happens and she’s too distraught to listen to you.

Where Has My Little Girl Gone? How to Protect Your Daughter From Growing Up Too Soon, by Tanith Carey, (Lion Hudson, on May 20, £7.99). Visit www.tanithcarey.com for more details.