‘There’s a stigma attached to suicide. That taboo is still very much there’

OVER the last two years Bev has relived the events of October 12, 2011, minute by minute and more times than she cares to remember. She has also raked over the weeks, months and years which led up to that day in search of clues as to why her husband Matthew chose that moment to end his life.

Bev admits she’s drawn few conclusions from the endless soul searching. Matthew’s childhood had been slightly chaotic and just prior to his death he’d experienced a few problems at work. However, even despite occasional spells of depression there was nothing to suggest that he was about to leave her and their two children forever.

“That morning we’d gone into Harrogate for an appointment and realised we’d got the wrong date. I’d had a go at him, something trivial about wishing he could remember dates as well as me. It was nothing really, just a silly row and by the time we said goodbye everything seemed fine.”

That was the last Bev saw of her husband. Instead of going back to work, Matthew returned to the family home and a few hours later the couple’s son and daughter discovered his body.

“Matthew had hung himself,” she says. “I am sure he intended for me to find him as I would have normally been back home first, but I went into town after work to take a skirt back to a shop. I can’t really remember much of what happened that night.

“As I came round the corner I saw my daughter on the phone to the emergency services. It never occurred to me that he was dead as I desperately tried to release the rope from around his neck.”

Bev has agreed to speak about her experience as part of a conference being organised in Harrogate by St Michael’s Hospice in the wake of figures which show the suicide rate in Yorkshire is on the rise.

Matthew didn’t leave a note to explain why had decided to end his life and as the months have passed Bev admits that it has been a struggle to remember the good times they had.

“When I first met Matthew he struck me as a warm, funny many with a lovely twinkle in his eye. One of the really difficult things to come to terms with was that for much of the time we were a happy, close-knit family. When he died we’d just come back from a lovely family holiday in Spain and the children have many happy memories of their dad. We all wish things could have been different, but I’m just not sure what we could have done.”

One of the issues the conference is keen to examine is the impact suicide has on those left behind. Bev and her son have received counselling through the hospice’s Just B service.

Without it, she is unsure how they would have coped, but even having run the whole gamut of emotions from anger, shock and crushing guilt, they all know the circumstances of Matthew’s death is something which they will carry with them forever.

“For a long time the three of us lived side by side in our own private grief,” says Bev. “My son and I slept an awful lot, while my daughter, who is now at university, threw herself into her studies. We all have an overriding fear which is that one of us will do the same thing one day.”

It’s these kind of issues which the conference hopes to confront. Latest figures from the Office of National Statistics show that Yorkshire and the Humber has had the largest regional increase in suicide. With rates rising by 21 per cent in 2011 with 463 people taking their own lives, the region now has the third highest rate of suicide in the country behind the North East and North West.

And that could be the tip of an iceberg.

“When I describe it as a hidden epidemic, it’s no exaggeration,” says chief executive of St Michael’s Tony Collins. Three years ago he was instrumental in opening up the hospice’s bereavement services to the wider public.

“Nationally there are around 6,000 suicides each year, that’s three times the number of people killed in road traffic accidents, yet still we don’t seem to be comfortable talking about it.

“Talk to families who have been bereaved in this way and they will tell you time and again that there is a real stigma attached to suicide.

“I also have no doubt that there are far more people taking their own lives than we will ever know. If someone drives their car into a tree because they are in the grips of depression, unless they have left a note and made their intentions clear, more often than not the coroner will either record a narrative verdict or it will go down as an accidental death.

“The taboo surrounding suicide may not be what it was 20 or 30 years ago, but it’s still very much there and that’s why we wanted to stage this conference.

“If you don’t acknowledge something is happening, then how can you ever hope to address the problem.”

The tragic death of former Leeds United player Gary Speed did force the issue into the public arena. The father-of-two hanged himself at home in 2011, leaving his family with countless unanswered questions.

The coroner, insisting he could not be 100 per cent sure the Wales manager had intended to kill himself, recorded a narrative verdict and his family know that they will probably never know what was going through his mind in the minutes before his death.

“We aren’t yet able to drill the regional figures down, but from our experience I do think that this area has a disproportionate number of suicides. In general two and a half to three times more males commit suicide than females and the age group most at risk tends to be between 35 and 50. However, one real worry for me is the number of elderly people taking their own lives.

“There are a lot of interesting theories about why people commit suicide and why rates are rising, but often they are just that. The reason why people take their own lives are inevitably complex. Yes, it can be a mental health issue, yes I’m sure worries over finances can in some cases play a part, but when it comes to the elderly I do think we need to look at the values of the society we live in.

“People are living longer, but often that means they spend greater, extended periods alone.

“Quite quickly people’s social circle can shrink almost to nothing and I think all of us have to ask ourselves whether we can do more.”

Various organisations will be represented at the conference, including the likes of the Samaritans which has just 
marked its 60th anniversary and Seamus Watson, national programme manager of wellbeing and mental health at Public Health England.

No one expects the event will provide all the answers, but it could be a vital first step in getting people talking about the issues and the impact of suicide.

“Of course anything we can do to reduce the rates of suicide would be fantastic, but we also need to be better prepared to help pick up the pieces when the worst does happen,” says Tony.

“I may be being idealistic, but I would like a service like Just B to be available not just to people in Harrogate, but to every town and city in the country. Suicide knows no boundaries and therefore neither should the support mechanisms we put in place.”

Bev is steeling herself to address the conference. It won’t be easy to talk about Matthew, but the one thing she has learnt in the last two years is how important it is to be honest.

“Sometimes we feel the worst is over and then it only takes something silly to take us right back down again,” says Bev.

“The coroner said it was obvious that Matthew was loved and supported by all who knew him, but he just didn’t feel he had any value.

“That’s the message I really want to get out to people. If you encounter anyone who is feeling suicidal, make sure you emphasise how valuable they are and how much they are loved and tell them of the distress they will cause to those they leave behind for the rest of their lives.”

St Michael’s Conference on suicide will take place on November 22 at the Old Swan in Harrogate. For more details call 01423 856794, www.saintmichaelshospice.org.uk

For more information about Just ‘B’ call 01423 856790 or visit www.justb.org.uk

The rising suicide rate

Latest figures show that in 2011 there were 6.045 suicides in the UK - an increase of 437 on the previous year.

The highest suicide rate was in males aged 30 to 44 (23.5 deaths per 100,000 population, compared to an average of 11.8)

Female suicide rates were highest in 45 to 59-year-olds with 7.3 deaths per 100,000 population.

The suicide rate for males in the UK is its highest since 2002.

Just ‘B’ offers bereavement support to children, young people and adults living in the Harrogate district. This service is suitable for individuals experiencing any type of bereavement, including suicide and offers both free telephone and one-to-support.