Clare Teal: Ill-winds made space hoppers out of cabbage patch dolls

As our will power lasts on average a fortnight, we took drastic measures to cut down our calorie intake. We ate mostly vegetables and chicken, and drank no alcohol…. well maybe a bit.

By day three we were both feeling rubbish. I looked in the mirror and if anything looked fatter than before. How can it be? I pondered. Muddy also felt mega bloated. It wasn't till we reviewed what we'd eaten that we realised why. In just 72 hours we'd consumed three savoy cabbages and buckets of homemade vegetable soup – chief ingredient leeks. "My life – it's compressed air! – we're turning into space hoppers."

I had no idea vegetables were capable of such atrocities – you could have pricked me with a fork. We're feeling much better now thanks but I'm not, however, prepared to discuss the consequences of rectifying the situation.

A few days later all dietary good intentions went right out of the window as we had a visit from our lovely friends Aloma and Linda from New Zealand. Aloma and I were at university together and, as we reminisced about the many lost hours spent at Chaplin's of Walsall drinking a really nice beer that neither of us can remember the name of and eating prawn sandwiches, the food and alcohol flowed. I don't know if I've mentioned that my preferred poison these days is whiskey, which I have, until yesterday, been drinking out of an old Nutella jar.

I have since treated myself to a set of six tumblers with rounded bottoms (they're a bit like Weebles, they wobble but they don't fall down). I must admit though having sampled a little too much of "the water of life" last night the sight of all six of them wobbling away this morning made me feel a bit peculiar.

So now it's time to put the wheels back on the wagon and hit the cabbage. I have a photo shoot in one month from now and have bought two suits a size too small. I'm hoping telling you might actually spur me on.