Clare Teal: No expense spared to get my words of wisdom to you

Feeling smug, I emailed it off to Catherine at YP central.

Snow was falling heavily as we entered the car park at John O'Groats; by the time I'd done all me buttons up Seor Sunshine was cracking the flags, so we left our coats in the car. Twelve steps towards the gift shop and the Arctic front returned, as did the coats. Grant tried on some funny tartan hats with bits of ginger wig stuck to the sides. Muddy found a wraparound bath towel made to look like a kilt complete with sporran.

I bought more fudge and checked my emails. There was an urgent message from Catherine saying they couldn't open the file. In a panic I rushed to find the nearest salesperson. There wasn't one to be seen, I raced into the coffee shop.

"Excuse me, does anyone here have broadband?"

Long pause. "No."

Time being of the essence, I ordered three espressos and a round of toasted teacakes. We tried every which way to convert the file to something YP-friendly but to no avail. A wireless router was showing up on my phone. It belonged to David Body, a talented painter who runs the pottery shop.

He stopped what he was doing to help us. "It must be a very important article, what's it about?" "Er... well, it's about snails this week actually..."

Muddy said we should definitely buy something to say thank-you. A lot of the art was very big, beautiful and valuable. "Can you see anything small?" I whispered to Mud. She didn't reply so I bought some fabulous cards which, it turned out, David had painted. Just as the sale rang through, I heard the dangerous words, "I really like this piece".

It's probably the most expensive email I've ever sent, but nothing's too much for you guys!

We're at the new Hull Truck Theatre tomorrow, come and say hello.