Expert Answers: Grief is personal and takes time

When a baby or child dies suddenly and unexpectedly the impact is one of utter devastation. Initial feelings of shock and disbelief will often give rise to questions about what happened and why it has happened to you.

Often, the lack of answers to these questions adds to the overwhelming feelings of grief and helplessness

Feelings of denial, unreality and numbness are common and these intense emotions are real and a normal part of grieving. Grief is a process of trying to cope with your loss and make meaning out of life without your baby/child.

Grieving is not easy. It is long, unpredictable and requires a lot of patience. Grief is a very personal emotion and everyone will grieve differently and may find that they are unable to provide much support for each other. It can be very helpful to share what you are feeling with someone outside the family such as your doctor or social worker. Some of the physical manifestations of grief can be very hard – nausea, pain in the chest and arms, exhaustion.

The bereaved person may also fear that they are losing their mind. These are all normal parts of the grief process Grief is not something which can be measured in terms of time. The emotions involved can resurface for many years, particularly at anniversaries, birthdays, family celebrations and special landmarks, such as when the child would have started school. Although the acute pain will gradually diminish, the baby/child who died will never be forgotten.

Everyone reacts differently but some of the feelings described by bereaved parents are of numbness, physical pain, difficulty in eating, sleeping or concentrating.

You may imagine that you hear or even see your baby or child and your arms may ache to hold them.You may feel anger, guilt, fear or self-reproach. All these feelings are completely normal. It is difficult to believe that they will ever go away, but in time the pain will lessen. You will never forget your baby/child who will always be part of your family. It helps to talk about your baby or child, to look at photographs and to remember the happy times. Grief may recur at anniversaries and at other times, sometimes for no reason at all. The process of recovery takes longer than many people expect but eventually you will be able to look forward again.It is important to remember that grief takes time.

Be patient, take life one moment, one hour, one day at a time. While you may never "get over" the death of your baby or child, you can learn to live with your loss.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

WHEN a baby dies unexpectedly, it is a terrible shock and one of the most distressing events that can happen. Understandably, the recent storyline in EastEnders has brought the most painfully memories flooding back to you. Coming to terms with a death of a child is a gradual process. Parents do not "get over" the tragedy after any set period and continue to need the support of their family and friends. Gradually, as time goes by, their extreme pain at their baby dying becomes easier to bear and hope comes back into their lives. I don't know if you were offered bereavement counselling at the time, but I would strongly suggest you consider a visit to your family GP to discuss this with him, there is no time limit to accessing bereavement or any other form of counselling. There are also many organisations which can offer you support such as Cruse Bereavement Care – the national telephone helpline 0844 477 9400 www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk. It can be very comforting to meet and talk to other people in similar circumstances to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences together.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

Losing a child must be one of the most terrible events that any parent goes through. I think that it's a subject that many people feel uncomfortable with – because they don't know how to handle it. By raising awareness (as in the EastEnders story line) it at least helps us to understand how traumatic it is and what the implications are for the immediate family – let alone other relatives and friends. A very dear friend of mine lost her son to cot death. He would have been 21 this year. She has photos of him around the house, marks his birthday (as you do), and in a sense keeps his memory alive within the family. However, I know that there isn't a day goes by that she, and I suspect her husband, do not think about him. What I am saying is that I don't think that the pain goes away or that you get over it. However, I do think that time helps you deal with it whereby your pain becomes a sadness rather than a raw ache. It changes as life moves on, so that it is bearable, but never forgotten.There is nothing wrong with this as long as you don't live in the past. Grief is a very powerful emotion and cannot be ignored, but please try to live in the here and now.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I would be very surprised if you weren't affected by the programme, because it brought to the fore once again your very personal loss. Traumatic events rarely entirely go away, and a programme, a song, a situation, and a place relevant to the trauma, can bring back the memories. This was a traumatic loss for you, which will always be with you, but I am sure that over time it will be less prominent in your mind. If you do feel you need some help with this, you could always contact a counsellor (personal or bereavement counsellor) or clinical psychologist to talk it through with them.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

It is natural to still think about the child you lost and I am sure that such a profound emotional experience will stay with you throughout your life. The death of a child is particularly poignant because it feels as if it is not the "natural order" of events. We invest a lot of effort and emotion in raising our children and it feels very harsh and unfair when they die before we do. However, in the midst of your own feelings you are able to see the positive side of difficult or painful issues being raised. I think that our reaction to life events is complicated and sometimes it is subsequent decisions and factors which affect the way we deal with things. Perhaps you might have wanted another child but were unable to have one, or maybe you were so anxious that you might lose another baby, you were too frightened to try. If you feel that this part of your life is still an issue that you have not resolved, you could benefit from Counselling. Your GP can refer you to local services. There is a very good organisation called the Foundation for Sudden Infant Death (or FSID) which can also offer you information, advice and support.

COT DEATH HELP AND SUPPORT

Cot death is a term commonly used to describe a sudden and unexpected infant death that is initially unexplained.

Some sudden and unexpected infant deaths can be explained by a thorough postmortem examination and other investigations.

Cot deaths that remain unexplained after a thorough examination are usually registered as sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

For more information or to speak to someone about cot death, visit www.fsid.org.uk or call their helpline number is 0808 802 6868.