Expert Answers: Grieving father: How do I help my child?

A child's capacity to sustain sad emotions increases with age and maturity. An apparent lack of overt sadness can lead a parent to believe a child is unaffected by the loss.

Normal signs of grief in children, particularly young children, include bed wetting, loss of appetite, tummy upsets, restlessness, disturbed sleep, nightmares, crying, attention seeking behaviour, difficulty concentrating, increased anxiety and clinginess. These only become a cause for concern when they occur over a prolonged period of time.

Older children often display changes in personality and alterations in their normal behaviour, including signs of depression, sleep and appetite disturbances, angelic behaviour, rudeness, learning problems, lack of concentration and refusal to go to school.

School work may be affected by under-achieving or overworking. Boys, particularly teenagers, are likely to experience difficulties at school in the early months following parental death, but bereaved children do not necessarily develop long-term learning problems.

In adolescents, a bereavement can cause regression to a younger, more dependent stage in their development.

Emotions may be suppressed, resulting in a display of apparent indifference or lack of feelings. In a search for love and affection, they may develop premature new sexual relationships. Some young people start truanting, turn to petty delinquency or begin shoplifting as a general protest against the upheaval in their family life.

This is more likely in adolescents who have lost their mother, particularly girls. Others can become silent, withdrawn and self-critical. Many young people will grieve privately and shed their tears in the solitude of their own rooms, maintaining a brave face in society.

In an attempt to numb the pain, some youngsters develop self-destructive behaviour, such as excessive drinking or drug taking.

Reaction to the fear of death may cause some young people to take unnecessary chances with their lives. By confronting death they try to overcome their fears and demonstrate their control over their own mortality.

Some young people will assume the role of a parent, taking on heavy responsibilities and causing them to mature rapidly and deny themselves the opportunity or permission to grieve. Others will take this experience in their stride.

Paul Charlson, GP from Brough

She will undoubtedly be having a grief reaction, as you are. I think you should get some support from professional sources. I would consult your GP who will be able to refer your daughter to the appropriate services and provide some support for you as well.

Children of your daughter's age do react to grief differently to adults. This website provides useful information about a support group –www.childbereavement.org.uk – and might be a good starting point. Clearly you can share your grief with your daughter and try to talk to her. Sometimes outsiders can be helpful.

Friends and family can provide very valuable support in these situations, however, people are often frightened to interfere so you must ask for help. The best advice I can give you is ask for help and do it sooner rather than later.

Elaine Douglas, A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

My heart goes out to you. You sound a very sensitive and sensible man and I am sure that you are doing your best for your children, but your younger daughter may need some support.

I would go to the school and talk to her class teacher. I am sure that he or she is aware of what has happened and how this is affecting her at school. I would ask for advice as they may be aware of resources through the local authority. There could be educational psychologists, counsellors or members of a child guidance team who could help.

Sometimes professional services are not the solution. Do you have any family members or good friends who know your daughter well? Could you enlist their support? She could go and play with a friend and the mum would be "primed" to give some TLC in the form of cuddles and a listening ear. Your daughter could be missing the "mum" element in her life, and it may help her to come to terms with what has happened.

For your part, just keep giving her love and affection without any expectation that she will open up to you. You may be pleasantly surprised that this could be the answer.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

This is an all-too-common problem in a situation like yours. It is also very difficult to deal with, when you are grieving as well. I would have thought that it might be helpful for you to contact a qualified child psychologist, through your GP practice, and visit him/her on your own, to get some help on what you should do in these circumstances.

Also, obviously, the more time you can spend with her, so that she can talk about what she is feeling, but at her own pace, is very crucial.

I suspect it might take some time before she is able to surface what she is feeling, so you will have to be very patient but always available.

A word of caution, although your older one may seem to be coping very well, some issues might emerge with her later down the line, so make sure you spend time with her as well. And as for you, make sure you are able to talk to your close friends as well about what you are feeling.

Dr Carol Burniston, Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

I am sorry for your loss and I appreciate how hard it is to help your grieving children when you are grieving yourself. You need some expert advice from either a bereavement service which specialises in children and young people or your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health service, which your GP can help you to access. If necessary, an educational psychologist can advise your daughter's teachers on how best to help her. The school will be able to request their intervention.

Are there other family members who feel able to help you out? Your daughter needs lots of emotional support, affection and opportunities to talk. Opportunities will arise in quiet times or when she is participating in activities with someone she trusts. Perhaps your parents or an aunt or uncle can spend some special time with her?

A memory box with items that remind her of her mother, photographs or other mementoes will enable her to spend some time thinking about her mum when she feels the need to do so. She may be afraid to talk to you, for fear of upsetting you further. Do not be hard on yourself; you all need time to heal.