Expert Answers: Have I left it too late to find love?

Empty-nest syndrome is the name given to a psychological condition that can affect parents (most commonly women) around the time that their children leave home.

Because so many people feel they suffer from this condition, the charity Parentline Plus has recently set up a specific advice line for them.

It's most common in autumn, when vast numbers of teenagers go to college or university.

It's natural for a parent to feel some sadness when children leave home.

It's normal to have a little weep now and again – or even go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a while in an attempt to feel closer to him or her.

So, don't be ashamed of your feelings – they happen to lots of parents.

But if you experience any of the following severe symptoms, you should seek professional help – especially if they go on for longer than a week.

You feel your useful life has ended.

You are crying excessively.

You're so sad, you don't want to mix with friends or go to work.

In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child's departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings, and these probably need treating.

If your sadness is overwhelming you, go and discuss your feelings with your GP as soon as possible.You almost certainly could use some counselling to get your feelings into perspective.

Nowadays, there's a good chance that your GP could refer you for a few sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), or you may be offered antidepressants.

One good thing to do is to lean on your friends – particularly if they have experienced "empty nest syndrome" themselves at some point.

There must be many activities you've longed to do, but never had time to pursue before now.

Well, this is your time to indulge yourself. So make a "wish list" of things you'd like to try – and then work through it.

You might want to join a choir, learn Russian, do some travelling, or find a new partner – well, maybe now you can.

Also, do be kind to yourself, and have some treats. For example, you could have a long lie in a scented bath.

This could be a good time to extend your circle of friends.

And don't forget that if they are going to college they will soon be back in the holidays. Prepare yourself for this if you have got used to having the place to yourself.

REDISCOVERING YOURSELF

Rediscover yourself and your relationships

Make plans for the weeks after they have moved out so that you keep busy and start making time to enable you to rediscover yourself and

your relationships.

Do something that will help you to rediscover yourself. You may have more time for yourself now that the washing and ironing has gone down!

Whether it is spending more time with friends or pursuing a dream – think about what you want.

www.gotateenager.org.uk or www.parentline.plus.org.uk

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Sounds like a lack of confidence to me. You need to be pro-active and start to meet people.

There are a myriad of ways to do this from clubs and courses, through to dating sites and organisations to singles holidays.

You simply have to choose your method. As for appearance if it really bothers you then do something about it.

Dark eye bags can be often be treated effectively for a few hundred pounds using dermal fillers, and some creams are helpful. How about a bit of a style make over too, new haircut, make-up and wardrobe?

It will boost your confidence. I think you should get out there and knock them dead!

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I most definitely think that at 39 it isn't too late to think about embarking on new interests or eventually a new relationship! When couples split up it is quite easy to lapse into the nurturing parent role and put one's own needs to one side. Life is busy – although as you say you have had your down times. You are entering into a new phase in your life, which at one level is very exciting, but at another is a bit intimidating. This is something you need to take one step at a time. You say that you are a little unhappy with your appearance. Why not start with treating yourself to some beauty treatments? Think about your wardrobe and see whether you need to update it a little. Doing all of that will give you confidence. Start looking at how you could meet new people. At this stage it may be too big a jump to go from your current situation into "dating". Think about the things that interest you. See what groups and associations are around and think about approaching them to see how you could become involved. If you take it step by step I think that you'll soon get the hang of doing things for yourself and not just your family.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

THIRTY-NINE is not too late! You need to become more socially active, by going to classes or getting involved in local politics or the church, or by any activities which interest you and makes it possible for you to meet someone and to make

friends more generally.

This might also mean volunteering with a charity, or youth club or helping out in the local hospital. There are plenty of opportunities out there where your help and presence would not only expose you to others but also help others.

Staying at home or only being "child focussed", particularly after they have left home, will not help you find friends or a companion or partner. You need to take control and be pro-active.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

What a great mum you must have been to launch your children so successfully into the world on your own.

It will have been hard work and demonstrates your commitment. Now it's your turn! Thirty-nine isn't old, it's positively youthful! People find happiness in new relationships well into their 80s and beyond. Attraction to another person is about so much more than whether they have eye bags or children. Take your time to enjoy your new-found freedom and discover activities and friendships. It can be scary going out into the world alone, but it is also very exciting. Seek out like-minded people and companionship first, other things may follow. As we mature, so what we are looking for in other people and our relationships matures. You have set yourself high standards in raising your children but it would be a mistake to force such high expectations on yourself now. Be kind to yourself, any new partner sees you as you are now, not as how you remember yourself 20 years ago. You have a lot to offer, I hope you have fun!