Expert Answers: Help, my teen son is out of control

It's hard work being a single parent, whatever the age of your child. But when your son or daughter are teenagers, it can be tough dealing with this when you are alone.

Parents sometimes say they feel guilty about setting boundaries or charging rent from their children once those children are adults. In fact, this is the most positive thing you can do. If your child is working, asking for a percentage of their income in rent is certainly not unreasonable.

Sue Atkins, who offers parenting workshops and coaching through her website, www.positive-parents.co.uk, says: "It's important for children, regardless of their age, to be independent and take responsibility for their own lives."

If your child pays rent, it will establish a more positive relationship, and will make your child realise that he or she cannot treat the place like a free hotel. Additionally, charging them 'house-keeping' or rent prepares them for their life once they have left home, and teaches responsibility.

It's reasonable to expect your grown-up kids to pull their weight around the house. Don't feel obliged to do their washing, ironing, tidying up and cooking. This gives them little sense of responsibility and no incentive to to move on.

So how can you live alongside your adult kids in harmony? Parentline Plus offers the following tips:

If your child is earning, insist that he or she pays house-keeping or rent.

Set boundaries. It is reasonable to insist that your child helps out with chores.

Try not to nag, moan or be critical but be encouraging and supportive.

If your child can't find a job, find out if there are underlying reasons. Lack of self-confidence can be a problem.

Talk through their worries, maybe offer to help research for jobs in return for help around the house.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I THINK you should be very proud of yourself for having brought up three sons on your own in what must have been, at times, challenging circumstances. As you say, two have now left home so you can be sure of your parenting skills and not take your youngest son's present behavior as a sign of failure. Boys are usually more determined to prove that they can cut the mother's strings early and be independent. While that is expected and you have to allow some independence as they grow up, it is still important as a parent to have a good close relationship with your son, letting him know what sort of behavior is acceptable. Perhaps you could have a word with one or both of his brothers; they may be able to give you some advice on how best to handle and resolve the problems. While they might not have behaved in the same way, they could possibly relate to him on a different level and guide him through this difficult time.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

NO, it isn't wrong to expect your youngest son to respect you and his home, and to contibute. His totally unacceptable behaviour has got to change, and I think that there are a number of things that you can do. You must to talk to him – when he's in a reasonable frame of mind. Tell him firmly that you are not going to put up with his rude behaviour and lack of thought for you. Lay down some ground rules and, if necessary, write them down. They should go along the lines of a) if he goes out, it is good manners to let you know when he is coming back; b) he can have friends round when you feel that it is convenient and not at every verse end; c) if they get drunk, then he has to clean up the mess; d) he must contribute a percentage of his income to the family coffers. You could add more to this list but try not to go overboard or you won't get anywhere. I would then enlist the help of your two older sons. You don't say whether or not they are aware of what's going on. Get them on your side so that they can apply a bit of pressure. Without threatening your son, I would also suggest that you let him know that behaviour has consequences.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I AM not a child psychologist but my gut reaction is that you should not tolerate this behaviour. Obviously, he is doing this for a purpose, to establish his identity or perhaps needing to exercise some control in his life, etc. Given that he is living with you and you are primarily supporting him, he needs to adhere to your house rules. I don't know what your relationship is with your older boys, but I would discuss this with them and explain that the situation is stressing you, and ask for their help and support. With their backing, you may be able to come up with a solution that they and you can discuss with your younger son, which could resolve the situation. It sounds like you are having difficulty doing this alone, and you need some help; it is their turn to support you.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Your life must have been far from what you were expecting as a young woman, but you have devoted yourself to bringing up your family alone, and that is commendable. Your two older boys have turned out fine and I wonder what they think about their brother's behaviour or whether they are even aware of it? With age comes more freedom, but also responsibilities, and it seems to be that this is the message that your youngest has not taken on board. I suggest you discuss things with your two older sons and then discuss things with your youngest – as a family. If he wishes to invite guests, he should ask your permission, and he should make a contribution towards the household bills. If there are guests in the house, they should abide by the house rules; otherwise they cannot be made welcome. The egocentricity or selfishness of some teenagers can be breathtaking, but it does improve with maturity. It has probably not even occurred to them that their behaviour is not acceptable to you. If this approach fails to improve his behaviour, it may be time to point out that he can leave home if he doesn't want to live by your rules. Your home, your rules.

HELPING HANDS FOR PARENTS

Parentline Plus, which has recently been relaunched as Family Lives runs a special teenager advice site, www. gotateenager.org.uk

If you'd like support and information on any other issues with your teenager, call the free, confidential, 24-hour Parentline on 0808 800 2222.

For single parents, the charity, Gingerbread, may be able to help. Call them on 0800 018 5026 or log onto www.gingerbread.org.uk