Expert answers: I found my son stealing from my purse

The reasons behind why teenagers are stealing could be down to wanting the latest game or mobile, and not wanting to save up and wait for it, but it's also about pushing the boundaries you have set for them.

Why do teenagers steal? To fit in. Peer pressure is behind a lot of the behaviour seen in teenagers, and wanting the latest mobile, computer game or new clothes can drive them to use any means to get what they want.

For attention: Sometimes even negative attention can seem better than none at all. When you notice your money is missing, and the attention is on them – whether they own up to it or lie – it may be a cry for help.

Risky behaviour: There is a possibility that your teen wants the money for something that they shouldn't be having. Alcohol, drugs and cigarettes are expensive, and they can't exactly ask you for the money as that would cause unwanted and difficult questions, plus lies to cover up what they really want the cash for.

Too embarrassed or anxious to ask: Condoms, emergency contraception, pregnancy kits, creams for rashes in sensitive places… and being too embarrassed to go to a clinic or GP means they will need money to buy these things.

Asking you for the money and risking all the questions, is just adding to their worries.

Just for the thrill: Sometimes the fun is in knowing that they're doing something wrong and getting away with it.

Why do teenagers lie? To stop you from nagging them. They know you are happier when you hear they've done well in their mock exams, and would rather avoid a lecture about revising harder and going out less.

To protect themselves: You may want an honest answer about whether they have slept with their boy/girlfriend or whether there'll be alcohol at their friend's party, but they may be worried about your reaction.

To get attention: Lying about feeling ill, or exaggerating an achievement at school, can get them lots of attention and this can boost their confidence, even though it's not for real.

To avoid getting into trouble: If your teen has done something they know is wrong, they may lie to cover it up to avoid the consequences of their actions.

To get their own back on someone: A friend or classmate may have done something to upset them. By spreading rumours about them, they may feel they've evened the score.

To test the limits: You've set boundaries on what they can and can't do, where they can go and what time to be home by. Chances are, they don't agree with these. So they lie about where they have been or who they have been with, because it gives them a feeling of control. They also think they can get away with doing what they want without you even knowing.

www.gotateenager.org.uk

Paul Charlson, GP from Brough

This needs sorting out. Why not ask him what he wants the money for? Why he is not going back to school? My first thought is that he is being bullied for money and these children are older than him. This might be completely wrong but it needs exploration. It is your mission as a parent to make sure you do understand him. I would advise persistence. Your son is only 13, he needs your guidance and help more than ever. What about the boy's father, can he help? Is he at home or are you separated?

Your son's crime is not a major one but the reasons for it may be. It is up to you to find out and sort things out calmly and sensibly.

Elaine Douglas, A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

Your son is probably feeling very ashamed of what he has done, especially as he has been caught in the act. This would explain the temper and the threat of not going back to school. Until you can talk to him without getting angry you won't find out what is at the bottom of it all.

Something has prompted him to take the money and you need to look into what money he has to spend. Does he get an allowance and is it realistic? If small amounts of money have been going missing it suggests he is using it for something worrying such as drugs, but it may be he's finding it difficult to make his money stretch. If his "income" needs to be increased you may be able to afford a rise, but if not, see if he can earn some extra cash by doing jobs around the house or washing a neighbour's car.

Teens are notoriously difficult to talk to as they go through a period of being uncommunicative, especially with parents. Let him know you have been disappointed by his behaviour but it shouldn't be impossible for the two of you to rebuild some bridges. You may then find your relationship starts to improve.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

You need to find out what he was taking the money for, but if he is reluctant to talk to you about it, then this can only be done with the help of a close family member or relative, friend or even professional counselling support (eg an educational psychologist through the LEA, RELATE, or suchlike). There is obviously something troubling him, and he probably wants to get it out, but since you have found him taking money from your purse, it is truly difficult for him to openly discuss it.

He probably feels humiliated and guilty, and can't deal with these feelings in addition to what prompted his behaviour in the first place. Find a trusted intermediary, who both of you have confidence in, to help you talk through these issues. You will be able to resolve them in due course.

Dr Carol Burniston, Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Both you and your son sound very unhappy and it is important to sort this out before it goes any further. If I had to imagine what may be going on here, I would say your son is being bullied and that he is taking money to pay the bullies to either leave him alone or buy their friendship. This could be why he doesn't want to go back to school as he fears not being able to pay his protection money.

Please find a way of talking with your son. I used to find sitting side by side when driving in the car helped the communication channels to open, or suggesting an outing together should help you to find the opportunity to talk in a neutral environment. If he still doesn't open up to you, explain that you suspect he is being bullied. Once the subject has been broached it may be easier for him to confide. Most parents have a memory of some school incident and sharing this may help him to feel less alone.

Have you discussed regular pocket money? Does your son have access to some money of his own? It is an excellent way of encouraging financial good habits and will help your son to feel more independent.