Expert Answers: A mother's fear for her soldier son

Support is offered to the families of serving and former armed forces personnel by Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Families Association (SSAFA) Forces.

The Armed Forces and their families may need help on a variety of health, welfare and social issues and, for 125 years this year, SSAFA has been providing that support.

The charity's services reflect the financial, practical and emotional issues people face today and they are freely available to virtually everybody with a Service connection.

Some are more appropriate for those currently serving, some for those who have served and there are those which apply to everybody. But whatever your status, you can be certain that we will treat your enquiry as confidential and ensure that you are always treated with dignity and respect.

There are special services for those who are serving but also for people who may have served in the past; an estimated 10m people are eligible for help.

Experienced non-military staff provide a helpline to enable people to talk in confidence about their personal concerns and problems.

Among the many services on offer, the Family Escort service is invaluable for families in need of special help with complex travel arrangements.

SSAFA provides short-term accommodation for families to stay close to patients in the main military hospital and rehabilitation centre.

The website www.ssafa.org.uk provides a good overview of the range of services available as well as an explanation as to who is eligible.

The main UK confidential support line number is 0800 731 4880 but there are other numbers for callers serving abroad as well as one for service personnel who are absent without leave.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I can understand how you feel. I think you have to realise there are two things going on here – firstly, your real and genuine fear about his safety.

There is little you can do about this but learn to cope with it as many other parents have to do.

You can get help from a counsellor or just by discussing it with friends and family.

The second aspect is your own feelings about your son's career and what expectations you have.

The Army can be a fabulous career for a graduate, you get to do many things you would never have a chance to do, make great contacts and learn useful skills.

This is so much better than being miserable in a job.

You need to forget your preconceptions and support your son, as there is nothing else you can do.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

It must have come as a great shock, especially if you weren't told until after the event.

I am wondering why your son did not discuss this big decision with you. Perhaps he left it until it was too late for you to dissuade him.

As you say, we are constantly reminded of the current dangers of being in the armed forces, and it cannot be easy to look at any of this without being emotionally "hijacked".

This is not an area that I am familiar with but I am assuming that he will have signed up for a period of time and will shortly be undergoing his initial training.

During these early days, I think that you and your husband need some help from someone who can give you advice and guidance about where his regiment will be deployed, what exactly his role will be and even (although this may not necessarily put your mind at rest) what the real risks and dangers are.

I understand the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Families Association (SSAFA) may be able to help on this front.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

There are at least two explanations for your son's behaviour, either he didn't know what to do after experiencing an unhappy work experience, couldn't think of anything else to do and plumped for the Army; or he thought this through thoroughly and actively wants to get this experience.

I suspect it might be the latter, given that there is no family background in the Army it is likely to mean that he had to actively seek information, and considered that the experience would be good for him personally.

I think you need to sit down with him, but not in an accusatory way, and find out what he hopes to gain from this experience and why he chose it.

He made up his mind and you need to be supportive of him, and the more you find out about what he is likely to do in the Army, the better you are likely to feel about his decision. By finding out why he has done this in a relaxed and open way, the more you may understand his decision.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

There are several issues here. Your son is an adult and has made an adult decision, just as you will have done in the past.

He needs to hear about your love and support, even if you have misgivings about his choices.

Many families are facing this situation now that the country is at war, although I am sure that that is no comfort to you. It may help you to make contact with other families in a similar situation and to think about the ways that you can stay in touch with your son.

Your son will need to complete training and will not be deployed straight away. You will have time to adjust to his decision over the coming months and deal with what must currently and understandably feel like a shock and a surprise.

I am sure that your anxiety will continue, but soldiers are not sent out without being well equipped for the job.

I hope that in time you will be more confident that your son is capable of looking after himself when he is ready to be sent overseas.