Expert Answers: My child is unhappy with how she looks

Female dissatisfaction with appearance – poor body-image – begins at a very early age.

Children begin to recognise themselves in mirrors at about two years old. Girls begin to dislike what they see only a few years later. The latest surveys show very young girls are going on diets because they think they are fat and unattractive. In one American survey, 81 per cent of 10-year-old girls had already dieted at least once.

A recent Swedish study found that 25 per cent of seven year old girls had dieted to lose weight – they were already suffering from "body-image distortion", estimating themselves to be larger than they really were.

Similar studies in Japan have found that 41 per cent of elementary school girls (some as young as six) thought they were too fat. Even normal-weight and underweight girls want to lose weight.

Boys were found to be significantly less critical of their appearance: in one study, normal-weight girls expressed considerably more worries about their looks than obese boys.

Depression and anxiety in children and young people can be triggered by a whole range of factors, from bullying to parents separating to drug use.

These are things that can affect all children no matter what their age, gender or family background, and as such, their distress can manifest itself in a wide range of different ways.

A child who is unhappy or anxious needs to be listened to and understood. The key source of comfort is their parent or carer, yet often parents themselves are isolated and feel powerless to reach out to their children.

Everywhere we turn we see idealised images of the human body – on TV, in films and adverts, in comics and magazines. Even children's dolls echo the impossibly thin figures of today's size- zero supermodels or the muscular, athletic frames of bodybuilders.

It's hardly surprising that children may find their own bodies don't measure up. Evidence shows that such feelings can start when children are quite young. So how can parents help their children to feel good about themselves in the face of such pressure?

Confident children are more likely to be able to withstand outside pressure to conform. Let children know that you like the way they look.

Praise them when they're kind and thoughtful

Congratulate them when they succeed, but always let them know that they are loved for who they are, whatever their achievements

Listen to what they have to say, respect and show interest in their ideas, spend time with them and have fun together. Do offer constructive criticism and set firm boundaries – they need to know what's acceptable and to feel safe.

Give them responsibility as soon as they're ready to take it, whether it's small things like helping around the house, or bigger expressions of trust and respect – like letting them walk to school by themselves and plan their own timetables for revision / practice / homework, or giving them a clothing allowance

Create a friendly, warm environment at home where children can talk openly about difficult issues.

Make sure children are not picking up negative messages at home. If parents are always on a diet or expressing dissatisfaction with their own bodies, children may follow suit.

For more information, visit www.parentlineplus.org.uk

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I agree she is very young but the appearance-driven world we live in is bound to be picked up on by our children who unfortunately do not have the maturity to make sense of it. It is likely that she has been teased by friends and this has lead to the problem. I would spend time with your daughter finding out all about the situation and what has lead up to her self-consciousness.

It is then a case of sensible reassurance on a consistent and repetitive basis. Try to complement your child on their looks, especially their good features. Your concern is important but over-concern may lead to problems too. I suspect in time, with your support, the situation will resolve itself. If this is not the case I suggest asking your GP to point you in the direction of local experts who can give advice.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I am intrigued to know where your daughter has got all of these notions from. She is very young to be reading fashion magazines or newspapers, which is where a lot of these messages come from, so I'm wondering whether she has older sisters or friends who have older siblings? If that is the case maybe you could get them on your side and ask them to help you get the right message across to your daughter.

I think that this is one of those situations where less is more. By that I mean if you focus on the subject too much it can assume a great deal more importance than it should. If she won't take her cardigan off, for example, you might say something like "OK, that's fine, but you might be a bit hot in the classroom". Leave it at that. Distraction techniques are also very useful with this kind of problem. If she mentions a part of her body that she is unhappy with then perhaps you could draw her attention to her lovely hair, her beautiful eyes, her dainty feet or whatever.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

It seems to be starting earlier and earlier, and as a father of four, with three daughters, I saw this self-conscious behaviour in my girls get younger and younger over the decade of my female brood.

Whether she is too young to be worried about her looks and body image is beside the point, the reality is that she is worried about it.

If you have an open and good relationship with her you need to find the right time and place to discuss this openly. But I suspect a child psychologist will say not to do this in a way that over-emphasises it but at the right time and in a natural but not over concerned way.

This is not an easy thing to do and the dividing line between reassurance and over-emphasise is a really really thin one! If you are still having trouble with this, and it is getting worse, consult a child psychologist through your GP practice, they will have some useful advice.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

There are so many images now being thrust upon us by the media that younger and younger children are expressing such worries. Seven-year-olds should be playing with toys and joining in games with their friends, but children are coming under the influence of more adult issues.

Your daughter needs reassurance about her appearance and also to begin to develop a more balanced understanding of what she perceives to be important about being a human being.

Deeper personality characteristics are a difficult concept to explain to a seven-year -old; however you can encourage her to think about wider concerns than her own appearance. Could she develop a hobby which puts her in touch with a range of different people? Perhaps you could encourage her to participate in a charity fund raising event? Nothing is as powerful as thinking about others who are less fortunate than ourselves in helping us to forget about our more personal concerns.