Expert Answers: Our daughter wants to go abroad with her friends

With summer upon us, a regular dilemma faced by parents contacting the Parentline Plus charity is whether or not to allow older teens to go on holiday on their own for the first time.

Teenagers may well want to go on holiday with friends or a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than with their family, especially if their friends are allowed to go away on their own, but it is not easy making this decision.

Parentline Plus, which operates a free, confidential 24-hour Parentline 0808 800 2222, answers more than 100,000 calls and emails a year, with some 47 per cent from parents of teenagers. The charity offers parent-to-parent support, and based on feedback from parents calling or attending its parenting groups, it has put together some tips for parents facing this dilemma (a full list of tips are at www.parentlineplus.org.uk under the A-Z section).

Major worries for parents in this situation are the dangers of alcohol and drugs and the risk of holiday romances and unprotected sex. Thousands of parents contact Parentline Plus, the biggest independent provider of parent support in the country, about these issues every year. Parentline Plus provides tips on how parents can talk to their children about sex, relationships and responsibilities to help keep them safe.

Many resorts and campsites will not take bookings from unaccompanied under 16-year-olds. So this can be helpful in putting an end to discussions. There are however alternatives such as organised holidays which tend to be activity or camping holidays with responsible adults to watch out for them.

The charity's leaflet "The Real Picture" provides a wealth of information to help parents keep their teenagers safe and highlights issues from having safer sex to drugs and drink – this can be downloaded from the website or ordered via Parentline 0808 800 2222.

Tips on teenagers alone on holiday:

Talk openly about what you see as the potential dangers in a practical way so that they don't tune out

Don't over focus on anxieties and concerns – remember it is supposed to be fun for them

Make contact with their friends' parents so that you can share contact details and information

Ensure they have credit on their mobile phones and that they are charged and make a deal with them to text you every couple of days (check with the phone company that this is possible if holidaying abroad)

If they meet someone and have a holiday romance, remind them of making safe decisions when it comes to having sex. Talk about choices and contraception

Make them aware of drinks being spiked and not putting themselves in vulnerable situations. Remind them of safety in pairs

Ensure they have access to a bank account or emergency money, eg, in case they need to pay for healthcare upfront abroad

Get informed and talk about drugs, especially if they are likely to go to a club

Talk about drinking alcohol in moderation, especially when mixed with the hot sun

Expect to wake up in the night worrying and hoping they are ok – this is normal!

For more tips, visit the Parentline Plus website at www.parentline plus.org.uk or call Parentline 0808 800 22 22.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I agree with you and personally I think given her stated lack of maturity I would be reticent to let her go. However, I can see that this is going to be difficult. It depends a little on where she is going and quite what the holiday entails. Clearly a weekend in England is less of a risk than a week abroad. It also depends on her friends and what they are like.

If you are concerned perhaps it might help to talk to her friends parents and see what they think. Perhaps you all think the same, but do not want to be the first to stop the trip. Many hotels will not take reservations for people under 18 in any case so this could halt the trip.

If you do decide to let your daughter go, you need to discuss your fears with her and make sure she can contact you if need be.

Another thought is that you could book somewhere nearby and have a holiday too, plus be on hand in the event of an emergency.

She does have to grow up, but a bad experience can be very damaging and perhaps she is just a little too young to be going on holiday without you.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

It is so difficult to find the balance between being too restrictive and too liberal. I would start by saying you trust her but explain that because she is very young you are concerned she is not "street wise" and that there are things you need to discuss so she keeps herself safe. I would talk about STDs and contraception. Try to get across that you don't think she is going to have casual sex, but she will be in an environment where this could happen. However, remember she may be more aware than you give her credit for.

Talk to her about drugs and the dangers of accepting them (particularly from strangers). Tell her about the dangers of leaving any kind of drink unattended. Tell her the need to stick with her friends and for them to look after each other. Make sure that if she is unhappy when away, you can get her back home and that you can contact her on her mobile.

You also need to tell her that you hope she has a fabulous time and enjoys herself.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

As a father of four, I have had this worry myself from time to time. In the end, I made my decisions based on where they were going and with whom.

You are obviously caught between knowing she needs some space and the worry about the potential risks and dangers in some scenarios she may find herself in.

I would have thought that if you work together with her to identify a reasonably safe location and accommodation, and talk through the potential worries you have, you should be able to come to some kind of agreed decision that meets her needs and your concerns.

Some kind of compromise on both sides will be needed, but the important thing is to treat her as an adult, by openly engaging her in the decision making, with both sides being able to air their concerns.

This is about acknowledging that she is becoming an adult and needs to be trusted, but you also need some security blankets in this process.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Sixteen is quite young to be going abroad unaccompanied by adults, but a lot of young people are mature, sensible and capable. You know your daughter better than anyone and have made a decision that she is able to look after herself.

It is important that you and your husband explain the kinds of situations she may face and ask her how she would deal with them. I am sure you know your daughter's friends and have made a judgment about how capable they are and it is important you tell your daughter you trust her. Make sure she has experience of alcohol and knows her limits. Discuss how alcohol can affect decisions such as whether you are sexually active or not. Also that she has adequate sun protection and understands the importance of using it.

There are back up plans you can put in place, such as an international phone card to enable her to phone home and a "front loaded" credit card in case she loses her money or has it stolen.