Modern Dilemmas: End of a marriage means the start of a new you

Dear Alex – At the beginning of this year, my life as I know it ended when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. We had been happy together for 21 years, or so I thought. He has someone else and I'm left feeling completely shocked and devastated by it. We have one daughter who is 19 and at college, she is just as upset as I am. I cannot see my life without him, how can I move on?
By The Newsroom
Published 4th Mar 2010, 10:08 BST
Updated 4th Mar 2010, 10:09 BST

You may be surprised to hear this but the best part of your life is about to begin. Gone is your husband and his demands on your time, and now you have a fresh start and a welcome return to the girl you once knew and loved. It'll be different than from when you were single before, and nowadays there are fewer taboos about being divorced. You'll also be surprised about how sophisticated and organised the dating scene can be for people of any age.

I may be jumping the gun there. But when the crying and disbelief is over, and it will be, and your daughter feels like she can leave you to be okay by yourself, you'll experience a multitude of feelings, sometimes all at once. Sorrow, hatred, vengefulness, self-pity and anger will all have their moments. Understand that your life has not been wasted. You chose to spend many years being a great wife and mother, now it's your chance to become a great independent woman. It is another way of being and entirely different to the one you have been used to, but don't misinterpret "independent" for cold-hearted and alone, think more freedom, control and adventure.

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When you can start to look ahead and think "now it's my time", you'll

see just what opportunities are available. Currently the future may look lonely, sad and purposeless, yet in time it will transform into precious "me time", a time to explore life again away from routines and responsibilities. There will be a lot of firsts; your first evening out, your first holiday without him, your first new hair style and your first post- marital date. You'll meet and make new friends, your whole life will take on such a new direction that you'll look back one day and find it hard to imagine being the person you are now. The myth is that when the marriage is over, so are you, in truth, that's where it can all begin.

Emotionally, give yourself time. There will be highs and lows, expect a rollercoaster ride but also expect to move on. Never lose sight of the fact that you have huge opportunity to see and experience life in a whole new way, and, who knows, there may well be romance in it for you, too. It is always entirely up to you as to what you accept and reach for. No one can do that for you. But your future is in your hands so trust yourself and enjoy the ride.

Alexandra Watson is a leading Happiness Coach, best-selling author and co-founder of National Happiness Day. www.AlexandraWatson.com