Modern Dilemmas: The ex-factor disturbing my new relationship

Dear Alex – I've been seeing a guy for nearly eight months now and although we are having a great time together and becoming closer, one thing is really starting to unnerve me to the point of causing a few sleepless nights; he is best friends with his ex-girlfriend. Admittedly, she's nice although cringingly over-familiar with him but neither seems to think that this is weird. I do and it is definitely affecting our future. Is there anything I could or should do?
By The Newsroom
Published 6th May 2010, 12:56 BST
Updated 6th May 2010, 12:56 BST

For you, there's certainly seems to be three in this relationship. Perhaps you're thinking that one of you has to go because there can only been one alpha female with men and if you're not "it", then your doomed. Well, I agree to a point, not because anything untoward might be happening between them, as I'm sure their friendship is innocent, but because of what this situation might turn you into.

On the surface it could look like they still have feelings for each other or unfinished relationship business. But consider perhaps that they are genuinely caring people who found that being friends works for them better. Also, consider that it's not what life throws at us that cause us to be unhappy; it's how we choose to react to those situations. Therefore, if you choose to feel unnerved and jealous then you have created that for yourself. If, on the other hand, you choose to give them the benefit of the doubt then you will create a less stressful experience.

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Let's now imagine the worse case scenario that they are, in fact, still in love. What would you do then? Cry and carry on feeling satisfied that your fears were right all along? Or walk away with grace and be happy for them? Which approach would make you feel happier? If you choose to see every experience, whether it's challenging or not, as something to grow from and learn a little more about yourself to develop emotionally then nothing is ever drastic and earth-shattering, only interesting.

Decide how you wish to proceed by being clear on what you want out of this. Once you mention how you feel, be prepared for everything to change because he will probably start to feel awkward, too. Additionally, asking him to choose between the two of you would be unfair and only make him miserable and probably resentful. So it's better to try and see his friend as a sister figure rather than a rival.

Let your relationship develop naturally and see what happens to your feelings. You don't have to act on them, just be aware of them. By doing this you will discover many things but mostly that time has a habit of showing us the truth. Either way, you'll be just fine.

Alexandra Watson is a leading Happiness Coach and

best- selling author. If you have a dilemma, ask Alex by going to www.AlexandraWatson.com