Modern Dilemmas: How do I become a great mother to my stepchildren?

Dear Alex – I have recently become a stepmother to two children in their early teens. Their father is devoted to them which is great but I want to be a great stepmother and I don't know where to start. I haven't any children of my own so have little experience relating to them and I don't want to try to replace their mother.
By The Newsroom
Published 22nd Jul 2010, 10:52 BST
Updated 22nd Jul 2010, 10:53 BST

Being the newcomer in a pre-existing family as a stepparent is daunting territory indeed.

There are so many elements to consider because not only are you starting a marriage, you have a husband who will always put his children first. You no doubt have the presence of an ex-wife, not to mention the emotional needs of the children who have had to cope with a divorce and a "replacement" which is you.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

The two key words in this situation are respect and patience. You'll have to respect the fact that the children will always love their mother and it is part of your duty to nurture that bond and never, ever say anything negative about her to them.

You must also respect the necessary communication between your husband and his ex-wife and be willing to act civilly and respectfully towards her at all times.

You must also respect the decisions she and your husband will make about the children and that his word is final on important issues like disciplining and punishments. That is not to say that your feelings are unimportant or that your husband cannot or should not ask your opinion and consider your feelings with respect to certain matters, but you must enter into the marriage knowing that you will not always agree with those decisions. If this sounds like an awful lot of sacrifice, it is.

Creating a genuine and long-lasting bond with your stepchildren takes time, patience and under-standing. Likewise, creating a happy marriage with a divorced father takes ongoing open and honest communication.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Be aware of the complex emotions your stepchildren might be feeling and make it a point to become familiar with the particular interests, issues and behaviour that are specific to their ages.

Find ways to create meaningful connections with your stepchildren. Have an open and honest talk with your spouse. Realise that your goals may not be achieved overnight as it takes time to build trusting relationships and lasting bonds. Be sure you are ready to commit to your stepchildren as much time, effort and dedication as you are willing to commit to your spouse. Understand that you are marrying a family unit, not just an individual.

Remember that you do have an important role in the lives of your stepchildren and when you accept all that goes into being a good stepmother you can enjoy the benefits of having stepchildren who love and accept you and a husband who is eternally grateful for your support and sacrifice. I'm sure you can achieve this.

Alexandra Watson is a leading Happiness Coach and best-selling author. If you have a dilemma, ask Alex by going to www.AlexandraWatson.com