Modern Dilemmas: I've grown apart from my best friend – am I disloyal?

Dear Alex – I've known my friend for 20 years and we have been through a lot together but what I'm finding is that I don't actually like her anymore. She's very competitive about things, so I feel we're in a constant contest, plus I have found her to be quite dishonest at times and very selfish. She's my oldest friend, am I being disloyal or a bad friend myself?
By The Newsroom
Published 8th Apr 2010, 12:06 BST
Updated 8th Apr 2010, 12:07 BST

I think it's possible to love someone but not actually like them. You love them because of the major moments you have shared and we all live in hope that people will change. Just because you no longer want to spend time with her is not being disloyal but rather being loyal to yourself and how you really feel.

The comfort of having known someone that long cannot justify having a bad relationship. They zap our energy and positivity, causing us no end of anxiety and self-doubt. When you discover that you no longer have much in common with a friend, one of you has moved on. Gradually over the years what you first had has evolved, and coming together is more of a habit now than a joy. It's not the easiest decision in the world, but ask yourself "do I want to spend any more time with her?" Answer honestly and don't let any feelings of guilt get in the way.

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Once you've made a decision it can be quite liberating, now all you have to do is follow it. If you've decided to keep her as a friend then you need to talk. In any relationship where you feel uncomfortable for any reason, communicate. Tell her how you feel and that this type of relationship is not good enough for either of you. Tell her how you would prefer it to be and see what she says. She probably wants

exactly the same.

On the other hand, if you've decided you want to end your friendship for good, do this without causing ructions by slowly weeding her out with fewer calls, invites and taking time to get back to her. Plan to see her less and less, but gradually, so her feelings are saved and you don't feel like a monster.

Stick to your guns and remain loyal to yourself no matter what. Choose to only have supportive friends around you now, why suffer when there are no prizes for doing so? Our friends are supposed to be our chosen family, adding something special to our lives not taking anything away. So should your friendship end or fizzle out, that only means you've created an opening for a new best friend. Look forward to meeting her.

Alexandra Watson Leading Happiness Coach, best-selling author and Co-Founder of National Happiness Day helps celebrities, Olympic athletes and business professionals with dilemmas and personal issues www.AlexandraWatson.com