Debate on party politics

A headteacher this week told parents to hand out birthday invites to the whole class to avoid upset.

The diktat, at a private school in Bath, has been criticised by parents, although some teachers have supported the move.

The head, Mark Brearly, says it is “divisive and unkind” to leave out some children and is against the Christian ethos of his school.

However, parents say he has not considered the cost or logistics of inviting the entire class, which can often mean more than 30 children.

But there is a deeper significance to his letter.

Dr Carol Burniston, a Yorkshire-based clinical psychologist says not being invited to someone’s party can hold a valuable life lesson.

“Life is full of disappointments and it is important that children learn how to deal with disappointment early on in life,” she says.

“Not being invited to a birthday party, or not being picked for the sports team is all part of that learning process.”

Dr Burniston says that if a child is upset at not being invited to a party then as parents we need to talk to explain that everyone has choices.

“People make different decisions and children need to learn that it is not necessarily a reflection on them personally. When my children were young they just had four or five close friends. There is no way they could have invited the entire class.”

Mr Brearly has defended his comments and emphasised that he was urging people not to bring invitations into class unless all children were invited.

But Dr Burniston believes this is unecessary.

“You cannot save children from emotional upset. Life is a series of disappointments and we all have to learn how to deal with them,” she says.

“Children will be children and not taking invitations into school will not stop the other children finding out they aren’t invited.”

When my daughters first started school, almost everyone for the first few years invited the entire class, but as they get older and demand more elaborate (and expensive) parties and make closer friends this was no longer practicable, or desirable.

And as they have smaller parties, so they understand they won’t be invited to as many parties themselves.

The trick is how you manage the ensuing disappointment. On more than one occasion one of my daughters has been upset at not being invited to a party.

“You just have to explain that we all have lots of friends but people have special friends and it is these friends that the child might have invited,” says Dr Burniston.

However, Siobhan Freegard, founder of parenting site Netmums.com said: “Party etiquette can be a minefield for parents, so this new rule is designed to help teachers manage expectations and ensure children’s feelings aren’t hurt.

“Contrary to some reports, the head hasn’t insisted parents must invite every child in a class but has asked mums and dads to only distribute invites which don’t include the whole class outside of the school or on email.

“On Netmums we’ve seen lots of teachers backing the move as it means children aren’t left distraught if they are missed out.”