Expert Answers: Facing a future without children

It seems that you really aren’t alone in this. There are many people who have deep regrets at not having, or at being unable to have, a family.

The process you are going through is very similar to grieving – the sense of loss you feel is like a bereavement and it will take time to come through it.

You will probably find that other people misinterpret your childlessness as a choice and make crass comments.

It’s very sad that people react in this way, but they do. It will almost certainly make you feel worse for a while.

The support of others who have been through similar experiences will help.

More To Life is a website, forum and support network established by The Infertility Network for those who are involuntarily childless.

Just reading through some of the forum posts will, probably, be helpful.

However, the real support will come from its network of volunteers – either through telephone contact or through regional activities.

Meeting others who understand the pressures and hardship you are going through – and who won’t judge you – can be very empowering.

Very little research has been done, into the affect IVF failures have on women.

In 2000, a small study of 76 women by the Royal Maternity Hospital in Belfast found that five years after their unsuccessful treatment they suffered “significant psychological dysfunction”, particularly stress and depression.

The research, published in the journal Human Fertility, concluded: “There is a strong need to prepare women better for treatment failure and to ensure that counselling is available when further treatment is no longer appropriate.” This echoes the findings of a Hull University study three years earlier. Both recommendations have fallen on deaf ears.

Being childless by circumstances and not by choice can be deeply traumatic, especially as it may involve giving up on fertility treatment. Couples often face tactless and insensitive comments from others who make incorrect assumptions or judge without knowing the facts.

Oddly, the divorce rate is much lower among couples whose fertility treatment failed than that for the general population: 10 per cent versus 50 per cent.

Where to find help and advice

A COUPLE will be diagnosed as being infertile if they have not managed to have a baby after two years of trying – that means about five per cent are involuntarily childless.

More To Life has been established by the Infertility Network to provide support and a forum for those who are involuntarily childless.

The main goal of the organisation is to help people to “move on” from the diagnosis of infertility and learn how to deal with a life without children. The More To Life website is reached through www.infertilitynetworkuk.com. The helpline number is 0800 008 7464.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

That is a lifestyle choice and not necessarily a bad one. You will have so much more freedom than couples with children and so much more money to spend. It is sad that you are unable to conceive but that is outside your control. Sensibly you have understood that you need to put this behind you and move forward. It is essential to have a focus in your life such as a career or hobby. It is understandable that you feel sad but this is because you are thinking about what you cannot have. Ensure that you focus on something and look at the positives rather than negatives. Your life will be different from many people but not necessarily less rich.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

The sadness you are both feeling is to do with loss, and in a sense is a kind of bereavement. You have tried to have children and this hasn’t worked out and the dreams you both had in terms of bringing up a family will not be realised. What you are going through is natural and understandable, and it will take you both time to come to terms with it all. The fact that there seem to be mothers and babies everywhere is a psychological phenomenon. Our brains are so tuned into things that are paramount and important in our thoughts that we zoom in on those things that confirm our thinking. You could try some diversion tactics in the short term to help you to work through this difficult period. Perhaps you and your husband could take a break somewhere where there are unlikely to be lots of children. It’s difficult during the school holidays, but if you go somewhere where there are likely to be families it will only emphasise your situation and make you feel even more upset. If you plan activities to keep you busy it might help to distract you. In the long term you need to reshape your plans for the future so that you do have positive things to work on.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

If you have totally discounted adoption, than there are little other alternatives that you haven’t already tried. It sounds like you are both in the middle of trying to come to terms with your situation, but it is still hurting.

The only thing I can think of, is considering going to Relate or a trained counsellor through your GP practice, to discuss with this independent third party the whys and wherefores of adoption to explore your attitudes.

But if you have definitely decided against adoption, then perhaps just accepting your situation and getting on with your life together shows a real maturity and acceptance of your reality.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

You have been engaged in a process which has required you to maintain hope about your plans to have a baby. Now that you have decided to stop your attempts at IVF, you will engage in another process of grieving for the baby you have been unable to conceive. These processes take time and after all you have been through, try to be kind to yourself and allow you and your husband space and time to adjust to the situation you now find your selves in.

Although it is tempting to avoid situations where you are aware of other people’s children, confronting them will help you to move on. If you avoid places and people, it will take you longer to adjust to your new circumstances. It must feel difficult for you at the moment, but in time you can nurture your relationships with children in your extended family or those of friends and enjoy the times you can spend with young people.

I suggest that you find enjoyable activities and hobbies which will help you to engage in everyday life and meet new people. You can obtain further support and information from, www.infertilitynetwork.co.uk/moretolife.