Expert Answers: I am left out by his emotional bond

An emotional affair has three features.

* Secrecy

* Physical chemistry and attraction.

* When the friend knows more about your primary relationship than you know about this friendship.

Emotional affairs like all affairs, are increasing because of the social context in which we live. We spend a lot of our time at work with colleagues, we travel away from home and we have mobile phones, messenger applications, social networking sites and e-mails.

We have individual friendships. Emotional affairs usually start with a friendship that has “crossed the line”. By this it is meant that the boundaries around that friendship, that prevented it from posing a threat to your primary relationship, have become blurred over time. Emotional infidelity occurs when your partner starts exchanging intimacies and secrets with a friend, that they would normally share with you. If your partner wouldn’t have wanted you to hear or see these interactions, a line was crossed.

If there was also secrecy involved and physical attraction, there was a high risk that this emotional affair would have evolved into a combined affair, where both physical and emotional infidelity occurred. Not every emotional affair will lead to physical infidelity.

For some individuals, there is a boundary that they won’t breach. If your partner decided to end the friendship and has taken the risk to tell you about what has happened, there is a good chance that the relationship would not have progressed further. Although you are bound to feel hurt, listen to what your partner is saying and take comfort from the fact that they stepped back from the brink of a combined affair and showed sufficient investment in your relationship to be honest about it. As with all affairs, try to see this as a joint opportunity to find out why it happened. If on the other hand, the emotional affair has ended because of discovery, or because the other party has withdrawn, your partner needs to be as honest as they can about the likely progress of the friendship. Most people in this situation would like to think that they would not have been physically unfaithful, but this can be a comforting self-delusion. It is a mistake to minimise the hurt feelings and loss of trust, but with hard work and a willingness to uncover the reason why it happened and agreeing future boundaries for safe friendships, a couple can build a stronger relationship in its wake.

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Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

You need to discuss this with your husband. Explain exactly why you feel as you do. The bond may be a problem but it may not, it rather depends on how you feel about it. Before you discuss it with your husband try to analyse what it is about the situation that you dislike and what you would like to happen.

That will form the basis of your discussion with your husband. The outcome depends on what you want to happen and your husband’s reaction and that depends on how you handle it. Careful thought is the best way to achieve a successful outcome.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I believe it is possible for a man or woman (who have respective partners) to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, that does not in any way challenge or threaten their relationship with their spouse. You say that you can tell that there is an emotional bond between your husband and his work colleague and because this is bothering you then you do need to address it. In many ways an emotional bond between one’s partner and another woman/man can feel more threatening than, for example, a brief extra marital physical fling. Emotional bonds are much stronger than a physical encounter and potentially can become a problem for the other partner (in this case yourself) to deal with. You need to analyse what it is about this friendship that bothers you, and you need to consider your own relationship with your husband. I feel that you need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Try not to be accusatory or make him feel that he is doing something wrong, but see if you can discuss this in a way that will put your mind at rest and enable you to understand this friendship and not be threatened by it.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I can totally understand your concern. The issue for me would be “do you also have an emotional bond with your husband”? If the answer is yes, then you probably don’t have much to worry about. If the answer is “no” I would be more concerned. In the former case, if you perceive your emotional relationship to be strong, than you have to accept that your husband, like you, might have other emotional relationships with others in different contexts.

On the other hand, if your emotional bond is weak then you have to find a way to strength it. Over time, if your emotional relationship with your husband can grow, then the one with his work colleague might become less strong. We do have to accept however that most of us have emotional relationships with other people than our spouse or partners, but that in our primary relationship the emotional bond should also be strong to sustain it.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

There are several layers to this problem; you appear to feel distant from your husband and threatened in your relationship with him, you are suspicious of your friend and you feel distant from her also. I wonder if your relationship with your husband has been deteriorating for some time or whether you attribute your difficulties to his closeness to your friend and his relationship with her? Either way it is important to deal with the situation rather than avoid it. No matter how good relationships are, we can all be attracted to other people, it is what we decide to do about it that is important.

I suggest you approach your husband and say you have noticed his closeness to your friend and explain how it makes you feel. It is important to be calm and not accuse him of wrongdoing as he is then more likely to be open with you and explain how he feels. You need to know what he thinks about you and your relationship; perhaps you have stopped enjoying each other’s company, doing things together or are taking each other for granted, these are all common in long-term relationships. If you can identify the issues, you can start to address them.

HOURS OF WORK ADD TO STRESS

According to American psychologist and infidelity expert Dr Shirley P Glass, this type of infidelity is on the increase, partly because work relationships, the long-hours culture and internet liaisons have made it so much easier. Dr Glass says talking about an affair after it’s ended is the only way to heal and rebuild intimacy – otherwise it’s like “waxing a dirty floor”.

The unfaithful partner has to be prepared to tell all, to answer any questions their partner has however reluctant they may feel about going into details, so that the story of the affair becomes part of the couple’s shared history.