Expert Answers: Job beckons, but mother won’t help

CHILDREN with a happy mother are more likely to be happy and well adjusted.

At six and four your children won’t suffer from someone reputable looking after them for a few hours.

As long as they know how to contact you and understand that when you are not working, you will be around for them then they are unlikely to worry.

You need to tackle the ill-feeling between you and your mother before it becomes entrenched. Do you have any idea why she might hold such extreme views – could she, perhaps, be jealous?

You say she claims to be bored so perhaps she resents the fact that you have a busier, more fulfilled life than she does?

Perhaps she never had the opportunity or ambition to do all the things you do?

Try having another chat with her and let her know how much this means to you and how much you would welcome her support.

You may not change her mind but at least you will have done all you can to smooth the matter over.

To find a suitable childminder ask around locally but do also check out the National Childminding Association website (www.ncma.org.uk ).

There is plenty of advice on how to choose and the questions to ask but once you’ve checked the childminder is registered make sure your children like being with them and enjoy your new-found career.

Five things you need to know about childminding and the National Childminding Association (NCMA).

1. Working parents need to know that their children are being well looked after if they are going to be able to relax and work effectively.

2. Using a childminder is a great option for a working parent as numbers are small, the care is local and hours can be flexible.

3. Anyone who is paid to care for children aged from birth to seven must be registered and have had basic training in things such as first aid.

4. By being a member of the NCMA, a childminder is showing their commitment to professionalism. Also you know they have back-up and proper support.

5. Many childminders willingly continue to support children they’ve looked after, some even up to secondary school age.

• The website www.ncma.org.uk is a good place to start whether you want a childminder or are thinking about becoming one. NCMA’s helpline offers advice on a wide range of issues related to home-based childcare. Call 0845 880 0044.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Oh dear, frankly it is your mother’s issue not yours. Something has clearly rattled her cage. If one were to look at the reasons for this it has to be something to do with regret at perhaps not taking the opportunities herself and resenting it or feeling guilty for leaving you at home and going out to work, Either way it is not your problem. I would be tempted to plough your own furrow and do what you feel is best for you and your family. Your mother has to decide what she should do. You do need to allow her an escape route so she can back down without losing face. If she does not it will be her loss. If the behaviour is unusual for your mother has she developed a mental illness or is drinking heavily as this might explain it.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I am sorry that your mother has reacted in this way. It sounds as if she’s a bit old school when it was taken for granted that women stayed at home with their children. The world has moved on since those times and for some time women have gone out to work, followed careers as well as successfully bringing up a family. I suspect that she was annoyed with you, hence the rant, and may not know how to resolve the situation. Things like this can fester for a long time if not addressed, I think in the long run you would regret not dealing with it. Yes, I do think you should tackle this, but it’s how you do it that’s important. I’d ring her up and tell her that you want to call in and see her. These things are always best done face to face, but if she refuses to do that, then you might have to consider a letter. It is a fallacy that children of working parents lose out. Your children are of school age, and will adjust. Give her a get out so that if she changes her mind she can become involved with her grandchildren without losing face.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I suspect your mother is upset about being put upon but it may be something else entirely. So, it’s worth taking the time to check and find this out. Take her out for lunch and allow her to get whatever it is off her chest, you may find that she’s supportive of your decision but feels apprehensive about taking responsibility for her grandchildren for this amount of time this quickly. Her concerns may not even relate to this situation, it may be something else that is bothering her and talking about this may prompt her to reconsider the time with your children. You have childcare in place so that’s fine, but make it a priority to spend the time with your mother – she’s your only one you’ll ever have.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

If you are going back to work and you’ve got children, you can get financial and practical help with child care.

From tax credits to flexible working arrangements there is support available.

If your children are three or four they are entitled to up to five two-and-a-half hour daily sessions a week for three terms each year with a registered provider. You may be eligible for child tax credits and working tax credits.

Flexible working lets you ask your employer for a new pattern of working.

To find out more visit www.direct.gov.uk

FINANCIAL AND PRACTICAL HELP

• If you are going back to work and you’ve got children, you can get financial and practical help with child care.

• From tax credits to flexible working arrangements there is support available.

• If your children are three or four they are entitled to up to five two-and-a-half hour daily sessions a week for three terms each year with a registered provider. You may be eligible for child tax credits and working tax credits.

• Flexible working lets you ask your employer for a new pattern of working.

• To find out more visit www.direct.gov.uk