Expert Answers: Sadness at not having had a child

Thousands of women regret not having children after putting off motherhood for their careers, official figures suggest.

A generation is suffering agonising “baby hunger” after waiting into their late 30s and 40s, often leaving it too late because of declining fertility.

Only four in 10 women in their early 40s have achieved the hopes they voiced as twentysomethings to have two children.

And one in four childless women aged 36 to 38 still hopes to defy the odds by having a first birth.

The distressing gap between the number of babies women wanted and the number they actually had was revealed in data on childbearing intentions collected from 1979 to 2001.

Most women said they wanted two children but many did not achieve this, said the Office for National Statistics 2003 population report.

This could have led to a generation of women with an “unmet need”, researchers said.

They believe most have delayed motherhood to climb the career ladder or enjoy their freedom.

Researcher Steve Smallwood said: “Postponing fertility means women are giving themselves less time to achieve what they want to achieve.”

The findings might help to explain the surge in fertility treatment in Britain, with more than 27,000 cycles of IVF carried out each year.

Actress Emma Thompson turned to the treatment to conceive her daughter Gaia, born in 1999 when the Oscar-winner was 40.

But attempts for another baby failed and Miss Thompson, now 44, revealed this week that she and partner Greg Wise, 37, cannot have any more children.

About 20 per cent of women aged 36 to 38 were childless in the latest surveys from 1998, 2000 and 2001.

But only a small number intended to stay that way, leaving one in four wanting at least one baby.

The trend towards older motherhood looks likely to continue, the figures showed. The national average age for first-time mothers has risen to 29 and most babies are born to women aged 30 to 34.

The 560,000 births recorded in 2001 was the lowest rate since birth registrations began in 1838. However, the number born outside marriage continues to rise, accounting for more than four in 10 deliveries in 2002. The trend towards delayed motherhood has major implications for women, who may still have children under 18 in the home at a time when their own parents fall ill and need care.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

THERE is no right or wrong way to live a life. I assume that you are a women because a 48-year-old man can still have a family. I can understand that you may feel that you have missed out on being a mother but there is plenty of time to get married so stopping regretting and start dating. If Mr Right appears all well and good but he may not. Mr Right may already have children and a readymade family if he is divorced and you can enjoy his children. Similarly just think of the things you can do that your married friends with children cannot. No school runs or dreadful children’s parties, you can holiday when and where you like and don’t have to clean up for other people. Life is not that bad!

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

NOT everyone is blessed with meeting the right person and having a family. From what you say it would seem that you have a good career that has been stimulating, but I sense a “what if?” This is natural, especially when one reaches a certain age. However, it is sad that you have (understandably) cut yourself off from your friends and now find yourself regretting you are not in the same position as them.

Perhaps if you look at things from a different perspective it would help. If you have worked hard at your career then you may be in a good financial position. If having a partner is important to you, then all I can say is that whatever age you are it’s never too late to meet someone. There are ways of meeting others – joining clubs or evening classes, dating sites and introduction agencies.

If this isn’t what you want then maybe you should consider how you spend your leisure time. You know the old saying that “all work and no play...” You are still a relatively young person, but it’s up to you to change your situation, as sadly no-one else is going to do it for you.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

IT is not too late to develop a relationship and to marry or partner with someone, you are only 48, you are still relatively young. There is no reason you can’t continue to pursue your career and at the same time find some space to invest in a relationship. There are many people in your age group who are in your boat, having invested heavily in a career to the detriment of their private life but you need to create the space and opportunity to find a partner. This might mean getting involved in local politics or business dining clubs or taking night school classes, etc. Creating the opportunities is the way this will happen.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

TRY to make a point of looking forward rather than back, you cannot change the choices you have made or the consequences that have resulted. You can move forward with an excitement and curiosity about the future. Have you explored opportunities to meet people like yourself who perhaps share similar interests? There are numerous groups which you could join. This would give you a new social group and a new calendar of activities which could help you to re-engage with the future.

If you have been fulfilled by your career, perhaps you are in a position to mentor others in your profession, or encourage younger staff to progress. Many people spend their whole lives in jobs they hate or find boring, so your pleasure in your work can inspire others. You could also utilise your skills in other ways by training others to your standards. Perhaps there is a skill which you have always wanted to master? Playing a musical instrument or learning to paint would give you a sense of achievement.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you joy in it and a wider fulfilment in life rather than just in your work.

CHANGING PATTERNS

SINGLE women are five times less likely to have children than married ones, while those cohabiting are almost twice as likely to stay childless, the Office for National Statistics research reveals.

Women who are better educated, come from a higher social class or had no siblings are also less likely to reproduce, as is a woman who has higher qualifications than her partner.

The causes present a significant change in reasons for childlessness as it is now increasing among sexually-active, healthy females living with a partner.