'Mum doesn't realise how she hurt us. I can't bring myself to say I love her'

All of her relationships were volatile and boozy, and the more they drank, the louder the bickering became.

One of my earliest memories is of playing with my toys on my mum's bedroom floor, and seeing empty bottles under her bed. I would be in there waiting for her to wake up. We seemed to spend hours and hours at weekends and during the holidays waiting for mum to get up, but when she did she would usually be in a foul temper.

I later realised that she slept so much because she stayed up late drinking. Yet she worked part-time in quite a well-paid job, and must have been sober during working hours. By the time we got home from school, though, she'd already be drinking a big glass of wine.

I don't remember when I first became aware that she drank very quickly, but going to the supermarket could mean half the trolley was filled with those big cheap bottles of wine. I recall how heavy the bags were to lift into the car – and looking back I can't help wondering how

often she drove us kids around while under the influence.

For the first hour or two when she was drinking, she was jokey and good company, but you always knew where it was going. Soon she'd get louder, more aggressive and critical. Nothing we did was right. By the middle of the evening, we were tip-toeing around her, scared of attracting her attention.

I recall episodes when one of the older boys wouldn't do what she wanted, and she would take something they loved, like their Gameboy and throw it from a bedroom window, smashing it. Once she threw practically everything in one brother's room out into the garden in the snow.

Another time, she locked one of them out when he came home late, and he spent the night in the shed in the freezing cold. Neither of them visits her now, not even at Christmas.

Once, when my sister was about 10, she had not put conditioner on her long hair in the shower, so it was still matted and difficult to brush after the bath. Mum couldn't untangle the hair easily, so she got the kitchen scissors and cut almost all of it off. My sister was hysterical but got a few good wallops for crying.

I don't think mum would have done any of these things if she'd been sober. When she hadn't been drinking or didn't have a hangover she was

lovely, quite soft and cuddly. But after a few drinks you dreaded being in the same room with her.

After my brothers left home, they rarely came back, and my sister and I really missed them. It meant we came in for more of the mood swings and verbal abuse. Everyone was in the firing line once she was tanked up. When I was about 12, we went on holiday with my auntie, her husband and family. It was mum's birthday while we were there, and my aunt had secretly got a beautiful cake and Champagne to present during a picnic on the beach.

Unfortunately, mum must have already had a few drinks earlier, because she hurled the cake in my aunt's face, saying 'Don't you know I hate cream'. A fun afternoon was shattered, but she carried on and drank most of the wine. Countless relatives and friends have been insulted by her when she was drinking, but they forgave her at first.

Eventually, she did it so often that they gave up. She has lost almost all of her friends through booze, but she says everyone else is awful for abandoning her. If anyone tackles her about her behaviour, she

denies it ever happened. And if anyone suggests – as a couple of friends and one uncle have – that she should get some help, she'll hurl abuse then refuse to speak to them for months."

No-one in the family can pin-point when alcohol became more important to mum than anything else, and it is very sad to say that it has always been the thing she cared about more than her children.

I can barely stand to look back to my childhood, because the good times are obliterated by drunken tantrums, neglect, going to school with no dinner money because she'd spent it on booze, and being woken up late at night by smashing crockery. I never invited friends round because

mum was in such a state and so was the house.

I called the paramedics once because she wouldn't wake up and had been sick. She was all right, but she ranted at me for letting medical people near her. She said she didn't trust doctors, but I think she never went to them however sick she was, because they would ask her about her alcohol consumption or take a blood test.

Looking back, even when I was desperately upset, it never occurred to me to ring someone for help. Bad though things were, I was terrified of being taken into care.

Both of my older brothers drink quite a bit. One is completely cynical about relationships and commitment, and the other is a serial dater. Neither my sister nor I drink, and we both hate being with people who get drunk. I literally have to leave if someone is getting loud and sloshed.

I am terrified that one day I might turn into a person like mum – someone who said she loved her kids but was always too boozed up to

come to parents' evenings or concerts or take us swimming. The worry

puts me off having children.

Thinking about my childhood depresses me, and so does thinking about my mum now – alone with a bottle. She doesn't seem to realise how much she hurt us... I can't bring myself to say I love her, although I care."

n Michael's name has been changed in this article.

n If you or someone you know is affected by parental drinking these organisations can help:

n Nacoa – National Association for Children of Alcoholics, 0800 358 3456

n Coap – Children of Addicted Parents and People, www. coap.co.uk

n Barnardo's – www. barnardos.org.uk

n Alateen (for teenage relatives and friends of alcoholics) –

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen

n Childline helpline, 0800 1111, www.childline.org.uk

THE CHILDREN WHO ARE SCARED BY THEIR PARENTS' DRINKING

If only we could see ourselves as children see us, perhaps we adults would do a lot more to change our bad habits.

Sobering research carried out by Childwise on behalf of the CBBC programme Newsround revealed that half of British children think they have seen their parents drunk at some time and almost a third say they feel scared when they see adults drinking.

Nearly three-quarters of the children questioned (72 per cent) said their parents drink alcohol. Of those, 70 per cent thought they had seen them drunk. Just less than half of the children surveyed thought that adults should not drink in front of children, while 32 per cent thought this was all right, and 22 per cent were not sure.

When given a list of words to describe how they felt when they saw

adults drinking, 30 per cent said it made them feel scared.

Eight in 10 children surveyed who had seen adults drinking said they noticed one or more changes in the way they behaved.

Of those, almost a quarter said it made adults act stupid or silly; a fifth said they became angry and aggressive; another fifth said they became happy and funny; 19 per cent found them to act strangely or in a different way; 18 per cent said they became loud and swore; and 17 per cent said they became dizzy or fell over. The survey canvassed 1,234 young people across the UK.

Many adults simply like a few sociable drinks, and don't even realise that becoming loud and jolly or loud and perhaps telling rude jokes can be frightening to children, who see their parent behaving "strangely".

Other parents become increasingly dependent on alcohol but do not consider their drinking as a problem, and probably would be horrified if anyone told them they were making their children unhappy.

In the report Keeping It In The Family, published two years ago by the charity Alcohol Concern with the Princess Royal Trust for Carers, it was estimated that there were around a million children in the UK living with an alcohol dependent parent, although the exact extent of the problem is unknown.

The report described the tendency to keep parental alcohol abuse hidden from public view, thus masking the true picture of childhood misery and possible lifelong psychological effects.

Children living with alcohol dependent parents may not be in contact with health or social services until problems escalate, and even then the alcohol misuse is not always recorded, said the authors.

The study added that children living with a parent or parents who abuse alcohol can feel confused, lonely and isolated, tending to see the parent or parents' problem as their fault.