Clare Teal: My burgers are fit for the King, but beware of the baps

Dainty little patties of good quality beef snugly set betwixt the comforting top and bottom of delicate, compact and bijou floury baps. My biggest mistake was deciding to make said baps myself. After my last bread disaster good friend Richard gave me a failsafe “just add water” kit. I added the exact amount required and kneaded for the exact time stated. Although it clearly read: “If making rolls, divide the dough into 10 equal portions,” I, being a master baker, knew better and whisked my 14 rolls upstairs by the boiler to prove.

I waited for 30 mins before having a peek. Not one of them had risen. Against my better judgment I decided to give the lazy blighters a further 30 mins to get their act together and moved them to the naughty step (which happened to be in a sunny spot). I have no doubt that if thrown with moderate force any one of the tiny yet impossibly heavy, granite-textured bread grenades could have caused serious harm. Thankfully Muddy had thought to buy some “spare” baps “just in case”. Moving swiftly on to the burgers. Playing safe, the first lot were solely made of squished beef, these puppies were set to be topped with grilled goats cheese. The second batch however were based on Jamie’s Elvis burgers containing ground beef, red chilli, red onion, chopped tarragon, egg, bread crumbs, Dijon mustard, parmesan cheese, nutmeg and a bit if black pepper. Apparently you don’t salt burgers till you cook them as the salt draws out the moisture. Considering there were only four of us eating, perhaps 16 burgers was a little ambitious. We didn’t have any oven chips in the freezer, and the local fire brigade have banned me from trying to make my own ever again, so I went to the local chippy and bought two bags to share. Having extensively researched the internet I can reveal a true Elvis burger consists of a beef or pork patty, lashings of peanut butter topped with crispy bacon topped with bananas fried in butter and sugar. Some recipes include cheese and salad, served of course with a Diet Coke.