Jayne Dowle: Actually David, it’s easy to know what women want

The simple thing is, we want exactly the same things as men; secure work, wages that go up and prices that stay down, reasonable interest rates for both mortgages and savings, secure pensions, affordable university fees for our kids, an intact NHS, pragmatic local councils, and a government we can rely on.

There, it’s not difficult, is it? So don’t patronise us. And don’t make us feel guilty for leaving you because we can’t afford treats for the children thanks to your economic policies. This is government. Not the problem page of Woman’s Own.

We are special, of course, because we give birth to the youngest generation, and generally, look after the eldest, but we’re not a special case. The very fact that the Prime Minister is fretting so much about how to woo us, entice us, please us and keep us faithful shows a worrying weakness.

If it’s one thing we women don’t like, it’s weakness. Why do we watch costume dramas and indulge in daft romantic books? Because we want our heroes to be strong and resolute and to get on with the job, not gushy and paranoid and constantly running around making excuses.

Didn’t they teach him anything at Eton? Ha. I’m no psychologist, but there could be something in that old theory about single-sex education. The problem is, the PM is now a grown man in his 40s, and he is running the country. He cannot continue to treat women like they are the sisters of his school-chums, with that mixture of reverence, fear, incomprehension and mistrust that characterises upper-middle class relations. One look round the Cabinet table says it all. Almost all chaps, except for Theresa May, in the role of matron. This panicky review promises to “consider setting up (another) review on the barriers on women entering politics”. I’d say that the biggest barrier was there in front of him, in Downing Street.

Trouble is no-one played “decent suburban dad” better than Tony Blair. All that eye-twinkling and goofy grinning jarred, but it worked with a lot of women. You can see why Cameron emulated it for the election. But now he is in power he doesn’t know how what to do with us next.

Just look at his face the next time he braves a PR opportunity in a hospital. Then look at the face of the senior nursing sister standing next to him. He will be smiling away the funding cuts to sick babies, and she will be grimacing, counting to 10 under her breath and stepping away from the syringe. If he wants to know what women really want from his government, and why they are so damned angry with him, he should ask her.

The gauche parliamentary gaffes of the “calm down dear” and “she’s frustrated” variety are of nothing compared to the one big mistake he has made. He over-promised and is now under-delivering, and he can’t get out of that. I don’t know – and I don’t really wish to know, thank you Nick Clegg for sharing – how many ladies he romanced before snaring the divine Samantha, but he ought to know that with girls you never, ever offer the world and then fail to provide it.

The vow to create the “most family-friendly government ever” was rash. So far, his definition of “family-friendly” includes cancelling the child-trust fund, cutting child benefit and undermining maternity support. You just can’t do that and not expect repercussions. There is absolutely no value in rushing through this sudden promise to help parents who work less than 16 hours a week with child-care bills. It’s like coming home at 4am with lipstick on your collar and a bunch of wilted garage carnations as apology. Pointless, humiliating, and generally indicative of a much more complex problem that demands serious thought and investment.

So, the time has come to put him straight. Call it a kindness. If he is going to target women, then he must remember that the world is not run by Mumsnet, even if the right-thinking middle-class mothers who operate it think it is.

Don’t focus-group us into a pigeon hole. Television advertising and its adverse effects on the young might be a hot topic in the Kumon maths circles of Esher, but it don’t cut much ice round here. I’m not saying we’re happy that our children’s instant gratification reflexes are being tested night and day in the run-up to the festive season. But many of us have other things to worry about. Like whether the debt advice centre will still be here this Christmas. Like whether Christmas will still be here this Christmas.

Everything else is detail and window-dressing. Get that in your head, and you’ll get women on your side.