Jayne Dowle: Another case of too much cosseting of pupils

I could ring up and find out, but I’ve lost patience with school diktats. Meanwhile, we’re developing several theories of our own. Perhaps they could be used as missiles? A hiding place for sweets (already banned)? To conceal crib sheets for SATs tests? When we do eventually find out, I suspect that the reason will be just as bizarre as anything our imaginations can conjure up.

When primary schools can ban pencil cases, it really makes you wonder what they will ban next. We shouldn’t be surprised then to find that the headmaster of a prep school in Bath has banned children’s parties unless the entire class is invited. This is to promote “inclusion” and to prevent children feeling left out.

It leaves parents with a dilemma. How to get invitations delivered without blame and recrimination when only six close friends are asked? The levels of subterfuge this will lead to should give MI6 some useful operational ideas.

I can sort of see this headmaster’s point. With two children aged eight and 11, I have organised so many parties I reckon I could write a guide to etiquette. Negotiating the diplomatic minefield of a typical pre-teen bash makes organising a European summit look like a teddy bears’ picnic.

There is always someone not on the list. Always someone the birthday child has fallen out with until the day before the event when they suddenly decide they are best buddies after all.

There is always someone who doesn’t want to sit next to someone else. And always someone sulking in the toilet and wanting to go home.

If we parents took seriously every little argument and minor skirmish between our children, we would spend our entire lives sulking in the toilet too. We just have to tough it out. And so do they.

However, party etiquette is not the sort of thing a headmaster should even concern himself with, never mind issue missives about. You might think, oh well, it’s just one head, in one school.

The problem is though, other heads will pick up on it. Other parents will pick up on it too. And the concerned ones will bring it before their next governors’ meeting and, before you know it, it 
will be enforceable policy up and down the land.

Many of us will sigh at yet another rule we must obey, when all we want is for our children to be educated. We will face bills for birthday parties equivalent to the cost of hosting a small wedding. And the ironic thing is that because of “inclusive” ideals like this, the bully and the trouble-causer will be given free passes to turn up at every single social event.

That’s protecting the feelings of children, is it? I’m not for a moment saying we shouldn’t be sensitive to their needs, but we have to balance what they need and what they expect. For a start, children should learn that they can’t have everything they want in life. And if that means being left off an invite list, they must learn to deal with it and move on.

If we don’t let them learn to cope, they will never learn to handle what life throws at them. Such as a pencil case, perhaps? Seriously though, if every single possible catastrophe is anticipated and made allowance for, their chances of developing any emotional resilience are practically nil.

What happens then when a really testing situation occurs? When serious bullying kicks in? When exams are failed? Or a beloved pet, grandparent or even a parent passes away?

We wonder why so many of our young people turn to drink and drugs. Here is part of the reason why. By wrapping them in cotton wool, we are giving them no chance to discover their own strength. The only way they can tackle difficult situations is through escape. This does no one any good and has repercussions that are damaging to society as a whole.

And it must be said that our children are growing up in a world which becomes harsher and more judgmental by the day.

The desire to protect them from it is understandable, but it is not pragmatic. If they can’t cope with rejection from a birthday party, what will happen when they find that every job application they send out is not even acknowledged?

We wonder why anxiety, depression and mental health problems are on the rise among young adults.

Here again we see reasons. Our youngsters are allowed to drift through childhood assuming that the world will always look kindly on them. Every possible obstacle is removed from their path. When an iceberg looms, they have no idea how to negotiate their way around it.

If we support this level of cossetting we are letting our children down. Banning pencil cases and party invites might be done in the spirit of fairness, but ultimately, it is not fair at all.