Jayne Dowle: When no-one else seems to matter is there any chance of us buttoning up?

Technology has not only trashed the art of conversation. Three out of four people also believe our good manners have been wrecked by tablets, mobile phones, laptops and social media, according to a new poll by Debrett’s etiquette guide. I’m no Lady Dowager Countess myself, but I agreed with my mother. Sitting at a table opposite a person who never even looks up is pretty rude. I was tempted to hit him over the head with it too.

I could have cheerfully done the same to the man on the phone on the packed train from Edinburgh to Leeds. What the rest of the carriage didn’t know about how well his meeting with Mike in the Edinburgh office went wasn’t worth knowing. We could have sat a Mastermind final on his sales figures. Did he not think for a moment that this might be confidential information he was sharing with us? I couldn’t help but wonder what Mike-in-the-Edinburgh-office would have thought of his colleague’s indiscretion.

I know what I thought. That he was a self-important buffoon in a cheap suit on a mission to make the rest of us weary travellers feel inferior. Not that I don’t know all about the modern need to stay connected. That’s why my phone is customarily to be found either under my pillow or in my bra. And please don’t get me started on 
wi-fi availability or lack thereof. I can bore for Yorkshire on that one.

I will admit it. I’m as much an addict as anyone, but there have to be limits. Shouting down the phone, texting or surfing Facebook in company says only one thing. That no-one else matters in your world except you.

When society has become this dysfunctional there is no point tinkering with the etiquette book. It needs ripping up and starting again. So here are some new rules to get us started. In a railway carriage, use the phone only for the bare minimum of communication, along the lines of “I will be 10 minutes late”. At the school gate, do not attempt to make other mothers jealous by texting fervently as you stand there. We all know you haven’t got a secret lover. We know that what you are really doing is deleting all evidence of buying shoes on eBay before your husband finds out.

In the cinema, or the theatre, switch off your phone and put it in your bag or pocket. You do not need it to amuse you. You are here because you are paying for entertainment. It is deeply sad to keep checking how many people like your witty Facebook check-in “At the Vue, Meadowhall”. And please don’t tweet your opinion until after the curtain comes down. No-one is that interested in what you have to say on the school production of Les Mis, trust me.

For trains and buses, please refer to the incident above. Everybody needs to make a quick call to the boss from time to time. However, don’t assume that the train carriage is your stage and you are the star player. This is not Mad Men. This is the delayed 18.08 to Todmorden. Act accordingly.

I’m sure that you already know how to behave impeccably in all of these situations. The trickiest ones, I find, are with friends. You’re meeting a pal for coffee. When she launches into a long diatribe about her partner/mother/boss, is it acceptable to get out your smartphone and place a quick Tesco order online whilst nodding and agreeing at appropriate moments? I think so. As long as you don’t mind when she does the same to you. And as long as you don’t throw a strop if, at your next dinner party, she messes about under the table when talk turns to compost-making or some other such riveting topic.

To this sin, I hold up my own hands. And I apologise. Sorry. Really sorry. Technology has the power to turn us all into truculent teenagers.

When you begin to recognise this behaviour in yourself, it’s time to get a grip.

I’ve found recently that it is possible to switch off your phone and survive. It is even possible to leave the house without it. That said, the last time I tried this we lost the dog and had to throw ourselves on the mercy of a stranger with a BlackBerry. Still, me and the BlackBerry man had a nice chat. It was mostly about how human beings have forgotten how to talk to each other.