Making decisions for elderly parents must be done with consensus - Daxa Patel

Grown up children, and I include myself in this category, think that because they are adults they can take charge of their parents, and make decisions on their behalf.

It is true to some extent but even then, it can be done, and must be done with consensus where possible.

One of the foundations of any good relationship is respect, and I question if we really do through our words and behaviour show real respect towards our parents.

We think we know what is best for our parents but we ignore their wishes or indeed their values.

I remember soon after my father’s stroke he so wanted to resume his usual four mile walk but physically this was a huge challenge.

Until this point my dad was an avid walker. He was disciplined when it came to his daily walks but after this he became unsteady on his feet.

My fear was, after his first fall when he broke his right shoulder, what would happen if he had another fall and broke his hip?

I bought a wheelchair and though I put grab handles around the house to help him walk, I forgot how much the independence of being able to walk himself meant to him.

As with everything, there are two sides to the coin, but my overriding concern was what if, rather than what mattered to my dad.

Somewhere there is a balance to be had but I do remember my father saying to me once that I made him dependent. I could have done more to get the balance right.

We don’t even know that our words and behaviours amount to disrespect as it becomes habitual to disregard or not listen to our parents because we think we know what is in their best interests while they don’t.

I remember being on my Blackberry while holding his hand, and my dad telling me he was still there. Create time to sit down by their side and really listen to them.

As a leadership coach, I have had to work on my listening skills. I now know most of the times, I didn’t really listen to him properly.

I wish I had shown that respect and basic courtesy. I would want to be heard but why is really listening to another so hard?

Cancelling our plans to say, visit our parents on account of workload is not unusual. Count the instances when we have kept them waiting because we are too busy.

How would we feel if someone close to us didn’t have time for us or kept us waiting?

Having spoken to some senior friends they often feel they are walking on eggshells when it comes to their family.

Somehow, no matter what they do their children make them feel they are not worthy or clever enough.

That would be frowned upon if we reversed that and if a child was being treated by their parents that way so why is it okay to treat our parents in this manner?

Emotional blackmail is another tool some of people like to use with their parents, like accusing the parent of causing them more stress because they are not complying with their demands to say, have a carer come in.

As my dad’s primary carer, I know there is another side to the story, but often, no matter how good our intentions, we may cross the line in terms of getting it right. I would urge people in that position to pause and think is that what they want?

I also want to make a point which might be deemed somewhat controversial by people.

And that is where the adult children demand that their parents leave their home following a fall, or an illness, to either move closer to them to make the adult children’s life easier, or that the parent moves into a care home.

Sometimes, this must happen because it really is in the best interest of the parent but how often do we use this last resort method first without exploring other avenues?

We can differentiate between a knee-jerk reaction and a situation that is evolving and can be revisited.

At the heart of all this is that our precious parents may not be with us for long, so why not let them and help them live their life on their terms.

We should be more loving and aware of their feelings and what they want.

We must resist the temptation to impose our will on them as after all we wouldn’t like it if we were on the receiving end now, would we?

Daxa Manhar Patel is a solicitor, author and executive coach.