Tom Richmond: Communications chaos in a Whitehall farce

Take my colleague who wanted to find out, the other day, about a Ministerial visit to Menston, in West Yorkshire, to discuss two housing developments that are causing untold angst to local residents.

He merely wanted to establish the Government's position on the building of houses on green belt land, and to arrange to speak to the Minister, Greg Clark, so his policy would not be lost in translation.

This request was submitted to Clark's press office at 11am. "Oh right, I can't find anything about it on the system, the person handling it is away from her desk at the moment, she'll call you back," said the official.

An hour later – and my colleague speaks to a different press officer. "The girl handling it is on the phone," she said.

Forty five minutes later, and another call is logged with the Department of Communities and Local Government that is headed by Eric Pickles, a one-time leader of Bradford Council.

This official says she knows absolutely nothing about her Minister's engagements that day.

A fourth call is then lodged with the department by my exasperated colleague at 1.50pm. It's the fourth person that he's spoken to in as many hours. The reply? "I'm afraid she's out of the office today. I don't really know what is happening with the visit and there's no one on her section at the moment, you've called at a bad time. It's lunchtime."

Finally, at 2.15pm, the phone rings. It's a DCLG press officer. "Hi, I understand you want some information? Oh right, not sure why this has come to me, you want the people in housing. I'll get one of them to call you back."

And so it went on.

The point, however, is a serious one. Why does the Government need such a big PR machine, even one that is scaled back as a result of the coalition's cuts, if the left hand does not know what the proverbial right one is doing?

This unprofessionalism would not be tolerated in the private sector. Indeed, it would not have allowed its marketing and PR wing to spiral out of control.

So why should the public sector, funded by the taxpayer, be any different? For, rather than being the exception, the Whitehall farce outlined above is, from my experience, very much the norm.

CALL me cynical, but, I just wonder, whether there was an ulterior motive behind the leaked letter which revealed that Ministers were contemplating banning free school milk for under-fives.

By acting so swiftly to retain this service, when the available evidence suggests that it makes little material difference to the health and well-being of the children concerned, David Cameron was able to show to his coalition colleagues that the Conservatives do, after all, have a conscience.

He will now be able to use this intervention to reassure restless Lib Dems next time the Government comes forward with cuts that are likely to have a far greater social impact than the idea floated by Anne Milton, the hitherto unknown Health Minister.

NOW we know it. Gordon Brown's government discriminated against the English and, by implication, taxpayers from Yorkshire.

It's always puzzling that it costs a small fortune to cross the Humber Bridge – while tolls have been abolished on the Forth Bridge north of Edinburgh and that a second crossing is being contemplated by the Scottish authorities.

I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that the Forth Bridge can be seen from the former Prime Minister's Scottish residence.

But John Denham, Brown's Communities Secretary, said this week: "Gordon Brown was not suited to the modern media world. During his premiership, it was permissible only to be Scots or Welsh but not English."

If this is so, why did Denham, and others, not speak out at the time?

TALKING of Gordon Brown, it is reported that the former Labour leader has rattled out an 80,000 word book on the banking crisis in which he finds fault with the views of many of his own officials, and world leaders.

A small prediction. The forthcoming book by his long-suffering, and tremendously loyal, wife Sarah on life in Downing Street under the Browns will sell more copies.

EVIDENTLY, David Blunkett's camping holiday did not – quite – go to plan.

"Unlike a satnav, a guide dog cannot be programmed to head for the lavatory block or the showers," lamented the former Home Secretary and Sheffield MP.

DELIA Smith, the television chef and Norwich City owner, was, once again, on the ball when she said that football's Premier League was all about money.

I agree. But, given the scale of football's financial crisis, what I cannot fathom is why certain clubs (in all divisions) have been allowed to accrue such high debts to the taxman and through the non-payment of VAT.

Given the state of the public finances, and the fact that the tax year ends at the beginning of the April, shouldn't the Premier League and Football League ban or deduct points, from those clubs whose payments are not up-to-date by the time the new season kicks off?

It might just concentrate a few minds before teams splash out millions on an over-rated player – and then give the individual a salary to match his ego rather than his ability on the pitch.