Ian McMillan: Excuse the mess

Come on, McMillan: no more excuses! Get the column written. There’s a deadline looming on the horizon like a Zeppelin.

Excuses for not writing the column No. 4: There’s an itch in the middle of my back. Just… there. Can’t quite reach it, not even with this pencil or this fork. I’ll have to stand and rub myself against the half-open door like a bear against a tree. Ah, that’s better. Now I’m in a writing frame of mind. To the keyboard! Excuse No. 5: the tea’s gone cold. I’ll have to make another cup. And the sun’s moved again so I’ll have to unplug the laptop and move it and plug it in and sit down and get up and rub my back against the half-open door.

This is really not good enough, McMillan. Come on, let’s get down to placing the words on the page. Any words, in any order, you can always rewrite them later. Excuse No. 6: Just thought of a great joke and I’m going to tweet it. What did the Yorkshireman do when he ran out of Sellotape? He buy gum! Tweet that out into cyberspace. Look, I know it’s not writing a column but I’m still manipulating words, aren’t I?

Excuse No. 7. All this tea drinking means I just have to nip to the smallest room in the mansion. Won’t be a minute. Then I can really get going. That bird on the bird table has just caught my eye. It looks rare. I’ll just get the binoculars and… no! No, McMillan. This really isn’t good enough! (I’m saying this aloud, in case you were wondering: If I’m going to tell myself off I may as well make a good job of it.) You must get down to writing the column. The deadline is looming so large it covers the whole sky. Now sit down and write.

Excuses for not writing the column No. 8: There’s somebody at the door. Ah, it’s the postman with a parcel of lovely books. Lovely, lovely books. Mustn’t open them. Mustn’t. Well, just to have a look, just to make sure they’ve not got damaged in transit. Ah: that one! I’ve been dying to read that one. I mustn’t, though. The room is going dark because the deadline is covering the windows. Put the book down, McMillan. Put it down.

Excuse for not writing the column No. 9: I want a cup of tea. I need to change position. I need to scratch my itching back. I need to answer the phone. I need to tweet a joke. I need to visit the comfort station. I need to identify that bird. I need to answer the door.

I need to start writing!