I'm in trouble and must come clean, my column's not what you think - Ian McMillan

Look, I guess I’d better come clean. It’s a long story but I’ll cut it down. A few years ago I was contacted by a firm who specialised in writing sparkling and erudite essays for lazy students to hand in or witty speeches for gormless CEO’s to deliver at shareholders’ meetings. They (and I’m almost ashamed to say this, but it’s true) offered to write this column for me every week, polish it up and deliver it on time. Reader, I accepted. So, each Saturday I would buy the Yorkshire Post and, like every other reader, marvel at what I’d written. Most weeks I was amazed, to be honest. Some weeks I was merely overjoyed. People at bus stops and in cafes would compliment me on particular lines or images in columns, and they’d say ‘How do you come up with your ideas?’ and I’d smile bashfully and not reveal that I was living a lie.

Until today, that is. I had a text message early this morning saying that due to staff shortages they wouldn’t be able to write this week’s column. I texted back and pleaded but they were adamant; they had several speeches and presentations to write for senior politicians and I realised that I was quite a long way down the pecking order. I’m not ashamed to say that I wept. I had a little bit of a tantrum, lying on the floor and pounding the carpet with my fists. This wasn’t any practical use of course but it made me feel slightly better.

So here I am. I can’t get the laptop to work so I’m writing the column in my notebook and I’ll ring the Magazine editor and tell her that we’ve had a power cut and I’ll have to dictate my column down the phone. That’ll work. It’ll be like being an old-style sports reporter ringing the match report in just after the final whistle.

Except I don’t know what to put. My mind is a blank. Well, it’s a bank: a bank that’s been emptied of all its savings. Hey, that’s not bad, that’s the kind of wordplay my readers have come to expect. I’ll keep that one. I’ll start with that. You always need a good hook at the beginning of a column like this. But then what? What comes next?

I know that my readers like wordplay and whimsy and nostalgia and cultural references because they’ve told me so. But I can’t think of anything beyond the blank/bank gag. I’m sunk. I’ll have to pretend I’m poorly and that I can’t possibly write the column because I’m too exhausted.

That should do it, and let’s hope my column writers are back next week. What a palaver, eh? Best to check the date, though. Best to check today’s date.