Queen of the Universe! Best quotes of 2013

• JANUARY

“As for an eternity in heaven - that would be hell!” - Barbara Smoker, 90, leading secular humanist who says she doesn’t want an afterlife.

“Aren’t we lucky to have found a line of work that doesn’t require growing up?” - Veteran actor Dick Van Dyke, after receiving a lifetime achievement award from the Screen Actors’ Guild.

“Actors are so bloody annoying. We are the most erratic self-centred people and I am amazed how two actors can live together. It is hard enough when there is just one.” - Actress Gemma Arterton.

“I should say so. All too thrilling for words.” - Actor James Dreyfus, when asked whether he was beaten, flogged and flicked with towels in the showers when he was at Harrow.

“Confronted by royalty, Parliament becomes infantilised, and squirms and fawns like a nursery class meeting Santa Claus.” - Labour MP Paul Flynn.

“The costumes look great. Some were cumbersome, but some were very snug. You can almost see what religion I am.” - Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch of his role in the new Star Trek film.

“People want to make me out as this brainless airhead with big boobs. It really grates and hurts so much. I can be a bit ditzy and dizzy but I feel very misunderstood. How dare people say I am stupid.” - Actress Helen Flanagan.

“We are used, these days, to shop assistants being one step removed from Plankton.” - TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson.

“A bunch of bed-wetters in bad wigs.” - Commentator Julie Burchill, whose description of transsexuals provoked a chorus of protests.

“I was a total slave to dieting. I believe I dieted my way to obesity.” - Actress and TV presenter Nadia Sawalha.

“I would describe myself as a Christian who doesn’t believe in God.” - Actress Dame Helen Mirren.

• FEBRUARY

“If I became Prime Minister I would demand a recount.” - Labour MP Stephen Pound.

“They don’t make red noses to fit black people. I have a wide nose like a Volkswagen and I have never had a red nose that fitted me.” - Lenny Henry on Comic Relief.

“I don’t want to rest. There is plenty of time for that in heaven.” - Celebrity baker Mary Berry.

“Rod Stewart did wear my underwear on stage, but only to keep the package in place.” - Actress Britt Ekland.

“You walk down the street and you think, ‘Are builders getting better behaved?’ No! They are just not whistling at me.” - Cambridge don and TV presenter Mary Beard who was voted pin-up of the year by The Oldie magazine.

“I think the fact that I am gay is about the 47th most interesting thing about me.” - Sue Perkins, broadcaster and host of The Great British Bake Off.

“They are the modern equivalent at throwing cabbages at people in the stocks.” - Actor David Morrissey on The X Factor and Big Brother.

“I don’t feel like I am 66 at all. I feel more like I am 35. But I have a bus pass so it must be true.” - Joanna Lumley.

“In my work and what I do, I am Queen of the Universe every day!” - Singer Lady Gaga.

“I came out of the womb looking for the camera angle” - Actress and singer Liza Minnelli.

• MARCH

“Don’t talk about her. It’s dreadful what she wears, She is a very nice-looking lady, but it’s a non-starter regarding clothes that suit her.” - Dame Vivienne Westwood on Michelle Obama’s fashion sense.

“I want to be tested beyond my comfort zone. I don’t want to be safe if it is more interesting to be dangerous.” - Actress Nicole Kidman.

“I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.” - Jeremy Clarkson.

“Exercise? Sometimes it is like pushing treacle up stairs - however hard I push, some of it slides down.” - Actress Felicity Kendal.

“I approve of Jesus. He seems a decent sort who liked his wine and the company of riff-raff.” - UK Independence Party leader Nigel Farage.

“I get out of bed, look through my little black book for a likely phone number, pop a handful of Viagra into my mouth and put my teeth in.” - Actor Sir Roger Moore, 85.

• APRIL

“After 60, a woman is like Africa. Everyone knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there.” - Actress and writer Joan Collins, 80.

“Believe me, having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban.” - Bestselling author Kathy Lette.

“My male friends don’t seem to have any feelings of intimidation that I am a 100-watt sex bomb standing next to them.” - Sex And The City star Kim Cattrall.

“She has made a little bottom go a long, long way. I admire her.” - Commentator India Knight on Pippa Middleton.

“If you grow up in Sheffield and you are called Sebastian you have to learn to run.” - Lord Coe’s response when asked why he had taken up running.

“My God, he was such a contrary, grumpy, unpredictable sod. But we all love him dearly. And we miss him so much.” - Actress Sheila Hancock on her late husband, Morse actor John Thaw.

“If a man holds a door open for me or pulls back a chair so that this old bag can sit down, I’m delighted. Women who moan and carp about that sort of thing are stupid” - Avengers actress Dame Diana Rigg, denying she was ever a “feminist icon”.

“Sex is a blood sport.” - Feminist Germaine Greer.

“Peter Mandelson is one of the most odious, self-satisfied, misogynistic men I have ever met. Compellingly, fascinatingly horrible.” - Heiress Jemima Khan.

“He is shorter than you would think but has the most lovely smell.” - TV’s Springwatch presenter Kate Humble on the Prince of Wales.

• MAY

“I have always voted Labour and I always will. I have got to have one stupid, bovine part of me and that’s the part that votes Labour.” - Commentator Julie Burchill.

“I have done it a lot of times, and when you are swinging over the coastline you have seen it all before. There’s no one to talk to, no sweets to suck and no ice-cream.” - Former Commons Speaker Baroness (Betty) Boothroyd, 83, has given up paragliding.

“Up and down like a whore’s drawers.” - Snooker champion Ronnie O’Sullivan describing his mood swings.

“For all of my life it was the size of my rear that caused me the most hand-wringing, but in this nearly-50 zone it is my stomach that is the problem. It seems to have broken free from its moorings and there is no knowing how far it will roam.” - Author Marian Keyes.

“People were laughing at me anyway, so I thought I might as well start charging them.” - Comedian Sarah Millican.

“He looks like a man who has caught a bouquet at a funeral.” - Broadcaster Bill Bailey on the Labour leader Ed Miliband.

“David Beckham is just like our president, Francois Hollande. Most of the time he does nothing. When he does, it’s a disaster.” - French radio commentator on the former England captain who was sent off for violent conduct while playing for Paris St Germain, the seventh red card of his career.

“There are too many people writing about whether they just farted or not.” - Singer Mick Hucknall talking about Twitter.

“When the likes of Gordon Ramsay, a chap with a face craggier than the Grand Canyon, admits to Botox a la Simon Cowell, it is a wonder he has still got the testosterone to poach an egg.” - Commentator Judith Woods.

• JUNE

“Everything has complexity. Everything has simplicity. You just grab it.” - Yoko Ono.

“I never thought I would fall in love like this with a cat. But there is no marriage yet for human beings and animals.” - Fashion guru Karl Lagerfeld on his pet Siamese Choupette.

“Ed Balls is like a drunk trying to drink his way out of alcoholism.” - Former Tory Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox, on the shadow Chancellor’s political activities.

“I had two experiences of criminality: one was my conman father, the other was teaching at Eton” - Spy writer John le Carre.

“I must be the only person of my age who doesn’t have a bloody gong. They are so common in show business.” - Broadcaster Janet Street-Porter is no lover of the honours system.

“My mum never understood how much I earned. When I told her I earned a million pounds a film, she said, ‘How much is that?’” - Sir Michael Caine.

“I stepped out of the taxi with a greasy bed head, eye patch lines scarring my face, dried dribble and the breath of a skunk.” - Miranda Hart describes herself at the end of a 12-hour flight to Malaysia.

“Women find me very attractive and always have done.” - Former Channel 4 racing pundit John McCririck.

“They say they are trying to cut down immigration. But why don’t they just lift the bloody drawbridge? Now! Just lift it. And nobody else comes until we’ve sorted ourselves out. What is so hard about that?” - Actor Tom Conti.

“She is a horsewoman who appreciates power between her thighs.” - Comedian Bob Mills on TV’s Clare Balding.

• JULY

“Being President is a little like being the grounds-keeper at a cemetery: there’s plenty of people below you but no one’s listening.” - Bill Clinton.

“You must swear never to go on the dole. Never be bored. Find something to do. And don’t yawn.” - Actress Joanna Lumley’s advice to schoolgirls.

“Television bosses should stop insulting the public’s intelligence by assuming we are all idiots.” - Broadcaster Jeremy Paxman.

“Get me a skinny frappuccino. I have no idea what that is - I would like to think you would be presented with a tiny Italian man.” - Miranda Hart.

“I do not live in fear of not getting parts. I live in delight as there are so many in the business dying which means more work for me.” - Veteran actress June Whitfield, 87.

“I am actually the most unglamorous person on the planet. I am the most unfinished, unpolished person ever.” - Supermodel Yasmin Le Bon.

“I wasn’t allowed to be clever when I was young and blonde, but now I am 50 and an old blonde, I am allowed to have gravitas. With wrinkles comes wisdom.” - Broadcaster Mariella Frostrup.

“There is a phrase in the Civil Service. When officials say, ‘That’s a very bold move, minister’, they mean you are completely bonkers.” - Chris Mullin, former Labour MP who was a minister under Tony Blair.

“I often have a cigarette on a Saturday. I love it - it is just the right amount of naughty.” - Actress Gwyneth Paltrow.

“I interviewed a vet while she had her hand up a cow’s backside. While she was talking, the cow evacuated and splattered us both.” - TV’s Countryfile presenter John Craven.

• AUGUST

“A batsman goes out and is then in until he gets out. This goes on until the last batsman is out, apart from one who is still in and therefore not out.” - Pippa Middleton tries to explain cricket to Americans.

“A bit like chicken and a bit like cat.” - Sir Terry Wogan recalls how an old Irish traveller replied when asked what cooked hedgehog tasted like.

“They say you can tell how a man makes love by the way he dances. If that is the case then most of the St Tropez partygoers must be pretty sorry in the sack” - Joan Collins, speaking from the French Riviera.

“I have to listen to a lot of boring speeches, but I have discovered there is nothing so boring as not listening to a boring speech.” - The Queen of Denmark.

“The misapprehension about me is that I am some loud, rampant maniac. I am actually very pensive and quiet.” - Actor Brian Blessed.

“I actually grew up thinking that sex was absolutely terrifying and that it would kill you.” - Actress Amanda Seyfried, who plays porn star Linda Lovelace in a film based on her life.

“Ballet is quite unnatural on the joints. My body is just worn. My joints are 10 years older than me.” - Former prima ballerina Darcey Bussell.

“Robin, he has produced Mr Mouse.” - What Lady Olga Maitland, former Tory MP, said to her husband when a fellow diner at a sumptuous banquet exposed himself.

“Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old git, living in a damp cottage in the back of beyond, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde with big chest.” - A lonely hearts ad spotted in an Irish newspaper.

“There has been more interest in the state of my private parts than in the state of my political career.” - Former Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik, who was attacked in the groin by a dog.

“Sex can be great in your seventies - no Viagra needed - and it certainly beats fish and chips.” - Magician Paul Daniels.

• SEPTEMBER

“The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction; jealous and proud of it, a petty, unjust, unforgiving control freak, a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser.” - Atheist Richard Dawkins.

“I’m a whore. I fall in love with my subjects when they are with me, whether they are man - I try to keep away from dogs - or woman.” - Celebrity photographer David Bailey on the secret of his success.

“I didn’t realise how important stupid people are in your life, because you ask yourself, what made stupid people so stupid? What made them the way they are?” -Simon Cowell.

“There are several pairs of trousers that I regret.” - Actor Bill Nighy when asked what he would like to have done differently.

“Everyone says I am terrified of getting old, but the truth is that, in my job, becoming old and becoming extinct are one and the same thing.” - Singer Cher, 67.

“Ah, the old Highland pedicure.” - Billy Connolly on watching a sword dance.

“I feel sick and disempowered, betrayed, angry and crushed by the corruption of all that I know is right.” - TV wildlife reporter Chris Packham is no fan of the badger cull.

“It helps with toning up arms, bums and tums, and banishing bingo wings, back fat and booze blubber.” - Pippa Middleton on her latest passion - boxing.

“It is such a waste of time. None of it fits me.” - Singer Engelbert Humperdinck, 77, on the practice of women throwing their underwear at him.

“The last time I saw her she clasped me and covered me with false kisses. Dreadful woman. God almighty.” - Tory peer Baroness Trumpington on ex-Conservative MP Edwina Currie.

• OCTOBER

“The badgers have moved the goalposts.” - Environment Secretary Owen Paterson explaining why the controversial badger cull is to be extended.

“I am this age now and I want a bit of bloody air-brushing, Everyone is so anti it. But why?” - Jennifer Saunders, 55.

“Sometimes you will throw a girl up and she will fart and come back down.” - Strictly Come Dancing judge Craig Revel Horwood on celebrities being “manhandled” on the show.

“Just because I am critical of the coalition doesn’t mean I am anti-English. I am just anti-scumbags.” - Ken Livingstone, former mayor of London.

“Don’t ever go on a diet. Just don’t. Walk away. Diets are the spawn of Satan.” - Actress Emma Thompson.

“You should have seen her scoop into the Stilton when she visited Number 10. It was like a JCB. Even the Prime Minister was impressed and, believe me, he is no slouch when it comes to the cheeseboard.” - A Downing Street source commenting on German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s passion for cheese.

“Rather embarrassed to announce I fell asleep in a speed awareness course.” - The Marquess of Worcester.

“The endless bonking was exhausting me.” - Joan Collins on why she needed a break from dating Hollywood star Warren Beatty.

“I am very traditional as a man. I am not modern and never have been. I think I was born 50 years of age and out of my time.” - Poirot actor David Suchet.

“We should agree that your child learning to play the piano is a good thing and that listening to it is the very bloody worst.” - Actress Minnie Driver.

• NOVEMBER

“I am really an animal, guys. I am just dressed up nice.” - Former world boxing champion Mike Tyson.

“The name Kylie can be used for Scrabble, as it is an aboriginal word for boomerang. Which is why Ms Minogue is so good at comebacks.” - Writer Kathy Lette.

“It is November and Crystal Palace have three points, I literally have more than that on my licence.” - Broadcaster Danny Baker.

“Don’t chase women, they will chase you. They are like horses in a pasture: if you don’t go drooling over her, she is going to want to know why.” - TV’s Piers Morgan has advice for would-be Casanovas.

“It was devoid of passion. Putting together an Ikea bookcase would probably have left me more satisfied.” - TV’s Ulrika Jonsson on former England football manager Sven Goran Eriksson’s love-making.

“People still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it’s just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same.” - Comedian Eddie Izzard.

“I worked for 35 years to become an overnight success.” - Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

“Worried about a skin condition? Leap smartly into a bath of porridge.” - Sir Terry Wogan on “the homespun medical remedies that our grannies practised”.

“I don’t fear my milestone birthday. I just fear my bottom falling down.” - Actress Elizabeth Banks, who is approaching 40.

“As far as I can see, you get deluged in s*** and never get anything done.” - Comedian David Mitchell on politics.

“Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.” - Veteran entertainer Lionel Blair.

• DECEMBER

“Christmas, for today’s political elite, is almost self-promotion - worship of politicians above all else.” - Political commentator Quentin Letts, on the fact that all three party leaders have put family photographs on their Christmas cards.

“My God, did we carve up Tchaikovsky. It is a good job he is dead.” - Choreographer Wayne Sleep on a production of Swan Lake, which included non-professional, largely overweight dancers.

“No one needs to feel sorry for me or anyone else who has fallen victim to success.” - Veteran actor Sir Ian McKellen.

“Let’s get something straight - I don’t see myself as beautiful.” - Actor Robert Redford.

“Frankly, I couldn’t give a toss.” - Shadow chancellor Ed Balls’s response when asked if he thought Labour leader Ed Miliband might sack him.

“When we stood back to admire our wrinkled, uneven labours, we found we had papered the cat to the wall.” - Writer Jilly Cooper recalls how she and her late husband tried their hand at DIY.

“It was a little like being a guest at your own funeral.” - Judy Murray, mother of tennis star Andy Murray, on receiving an honorary degree from Stirling University.

“It doesn’t get more extreme than what my character does in that play with a horse.” - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, out to prove that his repertoire stretches far wider than playing Harry Potter.

“It was like coitus interruptus.” - Author William Nicholson, disappointed at not winning the Bad Sex Award for his novel Motherland.

“I look like Julian Clary on steroids.” - Jo Brand on her costume for her role as Genie of the Ring in Aladdin at the New Wimbledon Theatre.